IFOCE

The IFOCE or International Federation Of Competitive Eating, took a giant leap backwards this past weekend. As you may or may not know, this "sport" has been increasing in popularity over the last 10 years. I took a particular interest in this phenomena some years ago after watching an eating contest on the Travel Channel. I was more amazed that people actually ate 40 sticks of butter than the actual fact that they did it in record time. These guys lineup at the competitions and throw down foods which were simply not meant to be consumed in quantities. I have seen these slobs compete to consume bowls of mayonnaise, globs of wasabi, matzoh balls and of course, this weekends infamous Nathans hotdog eating contest in Coney Island - the Superbowl of this heralded sport. As we all know, Takeru Kobayashi has been a perennial champion in this event. Hailing from Japan, this human dumpster has consistently thrown down 50+ hotdogs including the buns in an unfathomable amount of time year after year. But,...this year was different. There was a noticeable void on the stage. Reigning champion Kobayashi was nowhere to be found. Did he die practicing for this event? Did he tear his stomach lining in another contest which prevented his attendance in this one? Nope. He was not participating due to a contract dispute. (record scratching) A what? A contract dispute? You're fucking kidding me. This wiener-eating alien gets paid to do this? And theres a contract no less? I wonder if he has an agent. If he does, can you imagine what this clown tells people he does for a living? I can see him now at the bargaining table talking about franks and beans like Drew Rosenhaus talks about performance incentives. I need to contact this guy asap. I'm pretty sure I'm tops in the world when it comes to eating Cheez balls and I want a fucking contract stat. I mean its not like he isn't taking on any new clients right? Anyway, the hotdog eating contest went on without Kobayashi this weekend. Perennial IFOCE all-star Joey Chestnut, a man well respected and revered in this league, took home the crown. As he reveled in his glory and received praise and accolades for his tremendous feat, there was a sudden scuffle emerging off to the front of the stage. Holy Shit! Its Kobayashi! This hotdog loving psychopath tried to storm the stage after Joey Chestnut won! He was waiting in the wings to pounce on whomever took his crown this year. He wasn't going to let a mere mortal overthrow his iron fist. After being subdued and charged with various crimes, they hauled him away in the paddy wagon! Not only do these "athletes" have to worry about puking, cholesterol, blood pressure, plus various other health risks, but they have to worry about their competition attacking them should they take the cake (or hotdog). To think, Kobayashi here, spent the night in the clink all because he couldn't agree to a contract for the event. Was it about money or maybe he wanted a lifetime supply of the little french fry forks? We will never know. So, as we regain the title as a nation, may we all bask in the glory of Mr. Chestnuts legendary feat and continue to bring hotdog terrorism to its knees...