The following is brought to you by the unprecedented road rage I have for those who cannot drive. First of all, if you are 60+ you need to turn in your license stat. I don't care if you think you are capable of still driving, turn it in, you cant. If you REALLY think you can, and you are over 60 years of age, then I will hold a tryout for you to be judged by me. You will inevitably fail, so don't bother. The following are those that irritate me the most....
The Schlepper
These are the people that insist on driving 15 mph with their flashers on while on a main road and all because they have a chair in their trunk or a piece of molding tied to their roof. Listen folks...if you're gonna do 15 mph and cause delays, do it at 3am and not at 12pm when most people are out an about. This should be law. If you have to schlep something bulky, it can only be done from 1am-4am. Of course, you can suck up the $25 and get the fricken thing delivered!
The Stallers
These are the douchebags that don't inch up into the intersection while waiting to turn, but rather stay at the light and then go once its clear. This causes those behind you, who normally would have been able to go as well, sit for another cycle of the traffic light. This is inconsiderate. This makes me want to crack your teeth in with a ball-peen hammer. Move the hell up and let other people go. What are you scared? Then take the fricken bus!
The Late Decision Makers
These assclowns are the folks that you'll be driving behind and at the last minute decide to put their turn signal on and cause you to jam on your brakes because you weren't given enough notice. Know where you're going ahead of time please. If you're lost, then go home or get the fuck out the way, I'm not interested.
The Sloths
These dipshits are the folks that take an eternity to pull of a simple move while driving. If you're signaling to change lanes, then CHANGE LANES! Don't signal, look around and the proceed to move into the next lane at 5 mph while hitting your BRAKES! Nothing frustrates me more. I feel like playing bumper cars and giving them the nudge they need to get the heck out of the way. This also applies to those turning into driveways. TURN THE WHEEL!
The Left Lane Losers
These stubborn pricks are the ones who set up camp in the left lane on the highway and lock their cruise control to what seems like 50mph. This lane is a passing lane, not one for a leisurely stroll. When someone comes up on you, move out of the way and let them pass. If you're the person that says I'm gonna spite them and stay put because he/she shouldn't be going so fast, I will maul you if I see you in public. If you're not doing at least 90mph, take the local roads.
The Parking Putz
These fruitcakes are the ones that take up two spots or don't properly align their car with the LINES in the lot. Is this too hard? There are two big, bold, white lines for a reason! Get between them! Not on them, not slightly over them, but between them! If you're near a curb, there is no reason to be 3 feet from the curb or half on the curb. My next car is going to be a tow truck and I am going to start arbitrarily towing peeps who cant park properly. I will leave your car in a random lot around town and then send you clues each day for you to try and find it.
So this basically sums up my daily frustrations. If you are one of the schmucks above, please correct your inability to adhere to the rules of the road immediately or suffer my wrath next time I'm in your neighborhood. Still think you can drive? As I said earlier....you cant.
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