I hate Summer. I don't mind the Spring-like days of Summer, but the hot and humid days make me angry. See, the best thing about Winter or even late Fall, is that you can ALWAYS get warmer if need be. You're cold? Throw an extra sweater on. A little chilly at night? Get an extra blanket. Summer is a different story. You CAN'T always get cooler! Days like today are perfect examples. Its fuckin Africa hot out there. Its well into the 90's and the humidity is enough to choke the life out of you. Don't get me wrong, I love the outdoors. I would however, like the outdoors better in the Summer if they brought the "outdoors" indoors! The following are things which I think should be universally implemented throughout the Summer months...immediately!
- Dress codes for work should be lifted. Suits, ties, slacks etc. should all be banned and whatever one wishes to wear should be accepted.
- If the temperature outside exceeds 80 degrees, all work, banks, markets and businesses should be closed.
- Air Conditioning in buildings, stores, restaurants, etc. should be set a a maximum of 60 degrees with anything higher being considered unlawful and subject to a fine.
- Those annoying fucking Census people, who are apparently desperate for work, should have to wait in your car while you run errands or are working, with the air conditioning pumping so when you return to your vehicle, its nice and cold.
- Those schmucks who claim their air is broken or not working properly in public places should be incarcerated and subjected to 10 lashings with a cane.
- Those people who are in the business of fixing the above broken air conditioners, should be on call and ready for immediate action. None of this we can be out there in 1-2 days crap. The Red Cross wouldn't say that in a natural disaster like a Tornado or something, this is similar.
- It should be mandatory for people to shower twice daily. Anything less should result in waterboarding for their whole family while they watch.
- Lastly, a fan is NOT an air conditioner. Duh.
These rules should not only be implemented instantly, but should be firmly enforced without any insubordination. Those who refuse to oblige, should be sent to the clink. This sucks.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Designer Pets
Remember when pet ownership was simple? You either had a dog or a cat. Sure there was the occasional parakeet or hamster, but for the most part it was a dog or a cat. Those dogs or cats were simple breeds which were chosen by their owners for their loyalty, disposition, and aesthetic appeal. People had German Shepperd's, Bulldogs, Labs, Rottweilers, etc. Nowadays, this simplicity seems to have disappeared. We are literally genetically altering these pets to fit our lifestyles. You think 25 years ago someone was rockin a Goldendoodle or a Labraschnauzer or whatever? We look down upon human cloning yet we have no problem mixing two different breeds of animals. Now just to set the record straight, I'm not some PETA freak that spray paints fur coats, hell Id wear a Kangaroo hat if it was nice enough. Everyday I seem to hear of people getting dogs, breeds of which never existed but yet seem to today. In the words of the great Lloyd Christmas, mixing a Shi-Tzu with a Bulldog and you get a Bullshit. If people are really on this bandwagon, then why not get something unique? Everyone has a Goldendoodle or a Labradoodle, but what about starting something new? For example, what would a cross between a Chihuahua and a Great Dane be like? Perhaps a Rottweiler and a Yorkie? now these would be cool. I haven't mentioned anything about cats for a reason. Cats suck, plain and simple. All they do is sit on top of TV's and stare at you like they will suck the life out of you if given the chance. When was the last time you saw a cat catching a Frisbee? They bring nothing to the table and frankly, I don't get it. If you need companionship that bad, hire a clown or rent a midget somewhere (you can rent midgets, Ive inquired). At least with these you can actually interact with them. Cats are stupid. If you really want to get creative, how about cross-breeding a cat with a dog? Now you're talkin! I can see it now, "Hey, what kind of dog is that?" "This, oh, this is a Pussydoodle." We would all be so popular in the dog park watching our Cat mixed with a Rottweiler running around and boasting to everyone that you're the only person with a "Rottenpussy." Now if you bring your hamster or parakeet into the mix, you would really standout when your Maltese with wings strutted by. Whatever, waiting for the next craze in designer animals is like waiting to see the next product Apple turns out. What will be next??
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
WORLD CUP
I wasn't a huge Futbol fan growing up. Actually, I loved Futbol. However, Futbol to me was always played with helmets and a pigskin. That being said, when you think about it, Futbol when referring to Soccer, does make more sense considering you use, well, your foot. I guess in that respect football as we know it should be called Handbol? After all, it is mostly played with the hands. Anyway, I did play soccer as a young pup. It didn't take me long to realize how pointless this game is. Eleven guys running all over a field after one little ball? No matter how silly the idea of Soccer seems to us, it is the most popular sport in the world. Why? Why do S.Americans and Europeans flock to this sport like this the second coming of Christ or something? Can they not play baseball or football? Seriously. When was the last time you heard a Dutchman running for 1500 yards and scoring 10 TD's in some football league? When was the last time Mbombo Bombo from Nigeria was touted for hitting 30 HR's in a season somewhere? It doesn't happen and I'm not sure why. I do know that hundreds of thousands of inebriated, obsessed fans will flock to stadiums all over the world in droves to watch this silliness, which is beyond me. The one good thing about Soccer, which no other sport can claim, is the continuity of the game. Soccer is the only sport where the clock and the action NEVER stop. Kind of nice considering I can grow a full beard between pitches during a baseball game. Can you imagine, if in the NBA, the ball goes out of bounds and you can just pick it up and throw it back inbounds without the refs touching it? Or the ref in an NFL game never blowing the whistle? These games would be like a half hour! Anyway, this refreshing statistic still doesn't take away from the fact that the game makes no sense. Oh, and whats with the shock and exuberance these guys exude when they score a goal? Like is humanly impossible to do and they just pulled off a feat unmatched anywhere else in the world. These freaks run around the field, drop to their knees, and remove their shirts? Really? Whatever. That's like Peyton Manning taking his jersey and pads off after he threw a TD. Chill out dude, theres one guy guarding a 20foot net behind him. Frankly if you cant get it in you should be playing Chess or whatever else those silly foreigners do. I'm gonna go watch the USA stick it to Algeria now. Isn't Algeria a terrorist nation anyway? Probably. Infidels. Lets get em!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Afternoon Boredom
Im fairly certain, there is a time in everyones day where the level of boredom is off the charts. I know for me, the hours of 3pm on, are a constant struggle. Sure, we combat the lethargy with coffees or sodas, but too often these libations cease to prevent the inevitable pile of drool that pools on ones desk. I feel like I can recline my chair, close my eyes, and instantly be out for a good 3-5 hours. Yet, I rarely have this feeling at ngiht when I go to sleep? Now the health nuts out there will say to workout more for energy, or go for a walk to revive ones self, but Id rather gut myself with a rusty spoon than do any of that nonsense. Often we will collaborate with colleagues experiencing similar symptoms and discuss how exhausted we are and how we can wait to go home. I used to work with a guy who would disappear every day for about an hour or two unannounced and unbeknownst to anyone else in the office. Finally, I made a point to follow him one day to see where the hell he goes. As I followed him ninja style, I found that he would go into the office building storeroom and sleep on the floor! This is the outside-the-box thinking that seperates mere mortals from legends. Granted he got fired like a week later, but hey, he was well rested as he packed his things. I hear from people that 5-hour energy works as well, but im almost one hundred percent certain that in 5 years or so they will discover the side effects of this wonder elixir. Sure, youre well rested and energized now pal, but wait a few years until that T-rex arm starts growing out of your back! If I only lived in Spain. Those gatitos know how to do it. Youre tired around 2pm? No problemo amigo. They take off, have a huge homecooked meal and then sleep it off, only to return later with a full stomach, well rested and ready to get to work. Anyway, this post wasted a good 10min of my aftrernoon slumber, not enough, but its something.
SASQUATCH!
Click title of this post to be directed to referenced video.
Well Golllllllllly! This here feller done see him some Bigfoot! Are you fricken kidding me? This redneck calls 911, twice no less, to report there is a "real-life" Bigfoot chillin' in his backyard. Now, its obvious ole Billy Bob here was suckin' on grandpa's old cough medicine. Between that unbearable twang and the pace at whcih he spoke, I'm surprised the 911 operator didn't tell him to put down the moonshine and sleep it off. Seriously though, is there any chance Deliverance over here really saw this thing? He said it was 10' tall. I know if it were me, and I was merely yards from a 10' tall "ape-like" creature covered in hair as he described it, I would have broken the land speed record high-tailing it the fuck outta there. I surely wouldn't have reached for the rotary phone and dialed the po-leece. You gotta love how this hillbilly said, "eeeets ha-ir wuz beeeeutifool." This is how you know Grizzly Adams here was throwin a few back. If you have time to notice the fuckin things hair-do, he had to be shitfaced. Not to mention, this thing came back later on? I don't get it. I find it a little hard to believe that after the all the attempts worldwide to find this legendary creature, with all the hi-tech equipment and sophisticated technology that's been used, this shitshow has one stroll in his backyard...twice! That being said, I guess its possible ole Wilmer here gives off a certain pheromone that attracts this beast. Maybe that's the key to finding one of these...you have to smell like a bum's nutsack? We'll never know. Anyway, all you researchers looking for this thing, look no further. If you wanna spot the creature and interact with it, head down to NC and seek out this mess. He'll make some sweet tea and introduce you to his beautiful hairy friend...
Well Golllllllllly! This here feller done see him some Bigfoot! Are you fricken kidding me? This redneck calls 911, twice no less, to report there is a "real-life" Bigfoot chillin' in his backyard. Now, its obvious ole Billy Bob here was suckin' on grandpa's old cough medicine. Between that unbearable twang and the pace at whcih he spoke, I'm surprised the 911 operator didn't tell him to put down the moonshine and sleep it off. Seriously though, is there any chance Deliverance over here really saw this thing? He said it was 10' tall. I know if it were me, and I was merely yards from a 10' tall "ape-like" creature covered in hair as he described it, I would have broken the land speed record high-tailing it the fuck outta there. I surely wouldn't have reached for the rotary phone and dialed the po-leece. You gotta love how this hillbilly said, "eeeets ha-ir wuz beeeeutifool." This is how you know Grizzly Adams here was throwin a few back. If you have time to notice the fuckin things hair-do, he had to be shitfaced. Not to mention, this thing came back later on? I don't get it. I find it a little hard to believe that after the all the attempts worldwide to find this legendary creature, with all the hi-tech equipment and sophisticated technology that's been used, this shitshow has one stroll in his backyard...twice! That being said, I guess its possible ole Wilmer here gives off a certain pheromone that attracts this beast. Maybe that's the key to finding one of these...you have to smell like a bum's nutsack? We'll never know. Anyway, all you researchers looking for this thing, look no further. If you wanna spot the creature and interact with it, head down to NC and seek out this mess. He'll make some sweet tea and introduce you to his beautiful hairy friend...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Haymaker
Click Title of this post to be directed to referenced article/video.
It was a regular afternoon on the tough, hard-pressed, violence-ridden streets of....Seattle? This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Two broads were walking across a main street outside of the designated walkway, aka Jaywalking. Personally, I was never too familiar with exactly how this is against the law. I mean if you want to walk outside of the crosswalk, shouldn't you be able to do so at your own risk? Nope. Its the law, and apparently Commandant Lassard over here was going to make sure he enforces it. In an attempt to apprehend the violator, he was pushed and then clocked the assailant in the mug. Whats the problem? Seriously? I don't care if I'm a cop or a butcher, if someone pushes me, I'm laying a haymaker with the fury of God right to their melon. Not to mention, this officer was in uniform and this broad didn't think twice about shoving him off her nappy little friend. As he was struggling with her, I noticed one thing that struck me as concerning. He never called for backup. Now, I know you don't wanna be the talk of the precinct because you asked for back up to deal with these two hood rats, but in case you haven't noticed pal, the crowd surrounding this hullabaloo is growing in size and they don't seem happy. I'm not getting into a race thing here, but you're a white cop roughing up an African American girl and onlookers are taping every last juicy minute. You may wanna call CHIPS or whomever to give you hand, just an idea dude. By the way, did you see the size of this cop up close in the video? He's nothing short of a small tank, not exactly the guy you wanna shove. His hands were like meat hooks and I'm fairly certain he can bench press a city bus with relative ease. They are some ballsy chicks! You know this guy was definitely pissed there were people watching or else that punch to the mug might have resulted in a piledriver on the sidewalk. You can see it in his eyes. He had enough adrenalin to rip trees from the ground. I would have just paid the $7 fine and moved on, but that's just me. Remember folks, next time you even THINK of walking outside the lines, SWAT maybe topside about to pounce your ass!
It was a regular afternoon on the tough, hard-pressed, violence-ridden streets of....Seattle? This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Two broads were walking across a main street outside of the designated walkway, aka Jaywalking. Personally, I was never too familiar with exactly how this is against the law. I mean if you want to walk outside of the crosswalk, shouldn't you be able to do so at your own risk? Nope. Its the law, and apparently Commandant Lassard over here was going to make sure he enforces it. In an attempt to apprehend the violator, he was pushed and then clocked the assailant in the mug. Whats the problem? Seriously? I don't care if I'm a cop or a butcher, if someone pushes me, I'm laying a haymaker with the fury of God right to their melon. Not to mention, this officer was in uniform and this broad didn't think twice about shoving him off her nappy little friend. As he was struggling with her, I noticed one thing that struck me as concerning. He never called for backup. Now, I know you don't wanna be the talk of the precinct because you asked for back up to deal with these two hood rats, but in case you haven't noticed pal, the crowd surrounding this hullabaloo is growing in size and they don't seem happy. I'm not getting into a race thing here, but you're a white cop roughing up an African American girl and onlookers are taping every last juicy minute. You may wanna call CHIPS or whomever to give you hand, just an idea dude. By the way, did you see the size of this cop up close in the video? He's nothing short of a small tank, not exactly the guy you wanna shove. His hands were like meat hooks and I'm fairly certain he can bench press a city bus with relative ease. They are some ballsy chicks! You know this guy was definitely pissed there were people watching or else that punch to the mug might have resulted in a piledriver on the sidewalk. You can see it in his eyes. He had enough adrenalin to rip trees from the ground. I would have just paid the $7 fine and moved on, but that's just me. Remember folks, next time you even THINK of walking outside the lines, SWAT maybe topside about to pounce your ass!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
RAMBO
Click the title of this post to read the referenced article.
This incident was brought to my attention by GG, a fellow comrade with whom I collaborate on all things terrorism related. As I read this article I couldn't help but think of Rambo slashing his way through dense jungle in an effort to locate the Vietcong. This 52-year old guy has been searching for Osama since 9-11 by himself. Now, this either has to be the bravest, most fearless vigilante in the history of the universe, or simply some schmuck with a friggen screw loose. I'll go with the latter. He was apparently captured near the Pakistan/Afghanistan border on foot heading into the war-torn regions in an effort to find this clown. He was found with wearing 3D-glasses, a cap gun, and a butter knife. The article states it was night vision goggles, a pistol, and a sword - but is there really a difference? I mean we have the most advanced technology and advanced weaponry known to man and we have been unsuccessful in finding this nipplestain. He thinks hes gonna mosey on in to Tora Bora with his "arsenal" and take down the most wanted guy ever? I mean its already like trying to find the black dress sock in your dresser drawer in the dark. Its impossible. Not to mention, how does one even get there in the first place? Did this whack job just hop on Orbitz and book a trip to Kandahar like we do to Florida? Maybe that Orbitz dude in the hovercraft landed in the mountains and handed him a price assurance check for the difference because some other nutbag booked the same trip for less?
If I were the Pakistanis, Id let this cat continue on. I mean why not right? No one else can locate this meat puppet. What good will it do to incarcerate him. He wants to find him, let him try! I just wish I could be there when ole Rambo here draws his sword for an altercation and gets a RPG shell implanted in his chest from 5 miles out. Of course, with his 3D-glasses it would look much bigger...
This incident was brought to my attention by GG, a fellow comrade with whom I collaborate on all things terrorism related. As I read this article I couldn't help but think of Rambo slashing his way through dense jungle in an effort to locate the Vietcong. This 52-year old guy has been searching for Osama since 9-11 by himself. Now, this either has to be the bravest, most fearless vigilante in the history of the universe, or simply some schmuck with a friggen screw loose. I'll go with the latter. He was apparently captured near the Pakistan/Afghanistan border on foot heading into the war-torn regions in an effort to find this clown. He was found with wearing 3D-glasses, a cap gun, and a butter knife. The article states it was night vision goggles, a pistol, and a sword - but is there really a difference? I mean we have the most advanced technology and advanced weaponry known to man and we have been unsuccessful in finding this nipplestain. He thinks hes gonna mosey on in to Tora Bora with his "arsenal" and take down the most wanted guy ever? I mean its already like trying to find the black dress sock in your dresser drawer in the dark. Its impossible. Not to mention, how does one even get there in the first place? Did this whack job just hop on Orbitz and book a trip to Kandahar like we do to Florida? Maybe that Orbitz dude in the hovercraft landed in the mountains and handed him a price assurance check for the difference because some other nutbag booked the same trip for less?
If I were the Pakistanis, Id let this cat continue on. I mean why not right? No one else can locate this meat puppet. What good will it do to incarcerate him. He wants to find him, let him try! I just wish I could be there when ole Rambo here draws his sword for an altercation and gets a RPG shell implanted in his chest from 5 miles out. Of course, with his 3D-glasses it would look much bigger...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Secuity Guard Shot At Applebees?
Click the title of this post to be directed to referenced article.
Applebees, an eatery and neighborhood gathering place as they proclaim, has security guards? Really? I know the Mozzarella Chicken has received rave reviews, but is it necessary to have someone there to guard the inventory? So, this guard was on the phone in the parking lot while on duty, and got popped by two patrons he just kicked out of the place. Sounds fair to me. I know if you kicked me out mid-meal, especially while engaging in Mozzarella Chicken, I'd pretty much dominate you. Shooting him may seem a little extreme to you or I, but if you have seen the commercials for this dish, you would understand. The way the cheese melts in the picture is just dreamy. Frankly, I am a little shocked at this guys work ethic. Dude, you're on duty! This requires you to constantly comb the wild and crazy crowd Applebees has there. I mean they have to be the rowdiest and troublesome patrons ever right? Why else would there be a security guard at Applebees? Can you imagine rolling up on one of these restaurants and telling the hostess you're a party of 4, two kids menus, two packs of crayons and a seat near Cliff the security guard for protection. Does this guy see any action...ever? I picture him to be like Tackleberry who constantly wants to be in the malay but never gets the chance. I know times are tough and a job is a job, but if you're going to work security, is there not a mall job, or perhaps somewhere where people can actually steal shit? I'm fairly certain the Crips aren't storming the place for the potato skins guns a blazin'. Maybe I'm all wrong however. Maybe Applebees is the Rolls Royce of the security work. Maybe ole Cliff here has been waiting for this gig for years and when Stan the Security Man retired he moved on up. Granted, I'm not too well versed in the world of security in a place that has meatloaf as its highest priced item, but maybe its the case....
Applebees, an eatery and neighborhood gathering place as they proclaim, has security guards? Really? I know the Mozzarella Chicken has received rave reviews, but is it necessary to have someone there to guard the inventory? So, this guard was on the phone in the parking lot while on duty, and got popped by two patrons he just kicked out of the place. Sounds fair to me. I know if you kicked me out mid-meal, especially while engaging in Mozzarella Chicken, I'd pretty much dominate you. Shooting him may seem a little extreme to you or I, but if you have seen the commercials for this dish, you would understand. The way the cheese melts in the picture is just dreamy. Frankly, I am a little shocked at this guys work ethic. Dude, you're on duty! This requires you to constantly comb the wild and crazy crowd Applebees has there. I mean they have to be the rowdiest and troublesome patrons ever right? Why else would there be a security guard at Applebees? Can you imagine rolling up on one of these restaurants and telling the hostess you're a party of 4, two kids menus, two packs of crayons and a seat near Cliff the security guard for protection. Does this guy see any action...ever? I picture him to be like Tackleberry who constantly wants to be in the malay but never gets the chance. I know times are tough and a job is a job, but if you're going to work security, is there not a mall job, or perhaps somewhere where people can actually steal shit? I'm fairly certain the Crips aren't storming the place for the potato skins guns a blazin'. Maybe I'm all wrong however. Maybe Applebees is the Rolls Royce of the security work. Maybe ole Cliff here has been waiting for this gig for years and when Stan the Security Man retired he moved on up. Granted, I'm not too well versed in the world of security in a place that has meatloaf as its highest priced item, but maybe its the case....
The Magic Mirror
So I was down in Atlantic City this past weekend for my boys bachelor party. We stayed at the Borgata. Lovely little spot. It was your usual bachelor party complete with overeating, over drinking, and random debauchery. Throughout the weekend, as I walked through the hallowed halls of this beautiful edifice, something was so appallingly obvious to me that I decided to dwell on it a bit. Apparently, there is a company out there somewhere that makes magic mirrors and they obviously have a deal with all hotel/casinos to put them in every guest room. Now, to clarify, I am not talking about fun house mirrors, or those stupid little mirrors with a hologram in them. I am talking about an ordinary looking mirror that may grace anyone of our homes. We may not know they're magic mirrors in these hotels, but they are. What makes these ordinary accessories magic you ask? Allow me to broaden your horizons....
I have been to many a casino in my life. Everywhere from Vegas to AC and some spots in between. Apparently this magic mirror company does some fuckin business because they seem to be in every spot I have visited. The magic mirrors are those mirrors that may seem ordinary to you or I, but for most, are the evil, lying, deceitful jokesters that tell these people they look good before they go out. A 5 minute stroll across the casino floor will easily yield a minimum of 200-500 complete messes to the likes no one has ever seen. These people have the audacity to go out into public wearing what they are. I mean, they had to have looked in a mirror at some point before leaving their rooms right? Most hotel room doors have a full length magic mirror right on the back of the door, so as you approach it to leave, you have to see your self in full view right? I was worried about finding a collar stay for my shirt and these people walk out of the room in a wife-beater and jorts (with the finished hem). I understand for most, this is a vacation and they feel they can wear whatever they want, but are those tight jeans the best you have to offer? Do I need to see the veins in your nuts as you walk in my direction because your pants are that tight? Is your Members Only jacket, over your red turtle neck the best you got? The best part about these folks is that they think they look good, hell, they think they look great. Combine these outfits with that "cool" strut they rock and they are on fire! They're probably shocked GQ isn't knocking down their door. You can see it in their faces. The confidence is high, they feel they look their best, they are ready to party and interact with the opposite sex....of course all this while wearing parachute pants, flip-flops, a wife-beater under a white T-shirt that is down to your knees, and a red Yankees hat. Do they even make red Yankees hats? Aren't their colors blue, grey and white? Whatever. The level of confidence exuded by these people make me feel inferior. So much so, I almost felt like going up to the room to change. These cats are feeling good, "looking good" and ready to go, and I'm still stressing about only having one collar stay and my night is ruined until I can locate another one.
The good thing is that should you wish to take a break from all the hustle and bustle, simply have a cocktail, and sit back and people watch, you're all set. Your eyes will have a feast of massive proportions. Almost every gaggle of people passing by has one "special" magic mirrorite among them. All you gotta do is simply sit back and enjoy. I was lucky enough this weekend to see a guy in red pants, a beige paisley button-down shirt and a belt with the buckle gracing the name GEORGE on it. Oh, and deck shoes with green socks, how can I forget. These gems are out there and you must watch closely, but you can find them.
Anyway, on to the next. I'm waiting for the pit boss to text me this morning when the cocktail waitress comes around with my drink that I ordered on Saturday.....
I have been to many a casino in my life. Everywhere from Vegas to AC and some spots in between. Apparently this magic mirror company does some fuckin business because they seem to be in every spot I have visited. The magic mirrors are those mirrors that may seem ordinary to you or I, but for most, are the evil, lying, deceitful jokesters that tell these people they look good before they go out. A 5 minute stroll across the casino floor will easily yield a minimum of 200-500 complete messes to the likes no one has ever seen. These people have the audacity to go out into public wearing what they are. I mean, they had to have looked in a mirror at some point before leaving their rooms right? Most hotel room doors have a full length magic mirror right on the back of the door, so as you approach it to leave, you have to see your self in full view right? I was worried about finding a collar stay for my shirt and these people walk out of the room in a wife-beater and jorts (with the finished hem). I understand for most, this is a vacation and they feel they can wear whatever they want, but are those tight jeans the best you have to offer? Do I need to see the veins in your nuts as you walk in my direction because your pants are that tight? Is your Members Only jacket, over your red turtle neck the best you got? The best part about these folks is that they think they look good, hell, they think they look great. Combine these outfits with that "cool" strut they rock and they are on fire! They're probably shocked GQ isn't knocking down their door. You can see it in their faces. The confidence is high, they feel they look their best, they are ready to party and interact with the opposite sex....of course all this while wearing parachute pants, flip-flops, a wife-beater under a white T-shirt that is down to your knees, and a red Yankees hat. Do they even make red Yankees hats? Aren't their colors blue, grey and white? Whatever. The level of confidence exuded by these people make me feel inferior. So much so, I almost felt like going up to the room to change. These cats are feeling good, "looking good" and ready to go, and I'm still stressing about only having one collar stay and my night is ruined until I can locate another one.
The good thing is that should you wish to take a break from all the hustle and bustle, simply have a cocktail, and sit back and people watch, you're all set. Your eyes will have a feast of massive proportions. Almost every gaggle of people passing by has one "special" magic mirrorite among them. All you gotta do is simply sit back and enjoy. I was lucky enough this weekend to see a guy in red pants, a beige paisley button-down shirt and a belt with the buckle gracing the name GEORGE on it. Oh, and deck shoes with green socks, how can I forget. These gems are out there and you must watch closely, but you can find them.
Anyway, on to the next. I'm waiting for the pit boss to text me this morning when the cocktail waitress comes around with my drink that I ordered on Saturday.....
Friday, June 11, 2010
Drivers Ed
The following is brought to you by the unprecedented road rage I have for those who cannot drive. First of all, if you are 60+ you need to turn in your license stat. I don't care if you think you are capable of still driving, turn it in, you cant. If you REALLY think you can, and you are over 60 years of age, then I will hold a tryout for you to be judged by me. You will inevitably fail, so don't bother. The following are those that irritate me the most....
The Schlepper
These are the people that insist on driving 15 mph with their flashers on while on a main road and all because they have a chair in their trunk or a piece of molding tied to their roof. Listen folks...if you're gonna do 15 mph and cause delays, do it at 3am and not at 12pm when most people are out an about. This should be law. If you have to schlep something bulky, it can only be done from 1am-4am. Of course, you can suck up the $25 and get the fricken thing delivered!
The Stallers
These are the douchebags that don't inch up into the intersection while waiting to turn, but rather stay at the light and then go once its clear. This causes those behind you, who normally would have been able to go as well, sit for another cycle of the traffic light. This is inconsiderate. This makes me want to crack your teeth in with a ball-peen hammer. Move the hell up and let other people go. What are you scared? Then take the fricken bus!
The Late Decision Makers
These assclowns are the folks that you'll be driving behind and at the last minute decide to put their turn signal on and cause you to jam on your brakes because you weren't given enough notice. Know where you're going ahead of time please. If you're lost, then go home or get the fuck out the way, I'm not interested.
The Sloths
These dipshits are the folks that take an eternity to pull of a simple move while driving. If you're signaling to change lanes, then CHANGE LANES! Don't signal, look around and the proceed to move into the next lane at 5 mph while hitting your BRAKES! Nothing frustrates me more. I feel like playing bumper cars and giving them the nudge they need to get the heck out of the way. This also applies to those turning into driveways. TURN THE WHEEL!
The Left Lane Losers
These stubborn pricks are the ones who set up camp in the left lane on the highway and lock their cruise control to what seems like 50mph. This lane is a passing lane, not one for a leisurely stroll. When someone comes up on you, move out of the way and let them pass. If you're the person that says I'm gonna spite them and stay put because he/she shouldn't be going so fast, I will maul you if I see you in public. If you're not doing at least 90mph, take the local roads.
The Parking Putz
These fruitcakes are the ones that take up two spots or don't properly align their car with the LINES in the lot. Is this too hard? There are two big, bold, white lines for a reason! Get between them! Not on them, not slightly over them, but between them! If you're near a curb, there is no reason to be 3 feet from the curb or half on the curb. My next car is going to be a tow truck and I am going to start arbitrarily towing peeps who cant park properly. I will leave your car in a random lot around town and then send you clues each day for you to try and find it.
So this basically sums up my daily frustrations. If you are one of the schmucks above, please correct your inability to adhere to the rules of the road immediately or suffer my wrath next time I'm in your neighborhood. Still think you can drive? As I said earlier....you cant.
The Schlepper
These are the people that insist on driving 15 mph with their flashers on while on a main road and all because they have a chair in their trunk or a piece of molding tied to their roof. Listen folks...if you're gonna do 15 mph and cause delays, do it at 3am and not at 12pm when most people are out an about. This should be law. If you have to schlep something bulky, it can only be done from 1am-4am. Of course, you can suck up the $25 and get the fricken thing delivered!
The Stallers
These are the douchebags that don't inch up into the intersection while waiting to turn, but rather stay at the light and then go once its clear. This causes those behind you, who normally would have been able to go as well, sit for another cycle of the traffic light. This is inconsiderate. This makes me want to crack your teeth in with a ball-peen hammer. Move the hell up and let other people go. What are you scared? Then take the fricken bus!
The Late Decision Makers
These assclowns are the folks that you'll be driving behind and at the last minute decide to put their turn signal on and cause you to jam on your brakes because you weren't given enough notice. Know where you're going ahead of time please. If you're lost, then go home or get the fuck out the way, I'm not interested.
The Sloths
These dipshits are the folks that take an eternity to pull of a simple move while driving. If you're signaling to change lanes, then CHANGE LANES! Don't signal, look around and the proceed to move into the next lane at 5 mph while hitting your BRAKES! Nothing frustrates me more. I feel like playing bumper cars and giving them the nudge they need to get the heck out of the way. This also applies to those turning into driveways. TURN THE WHEEL!
The Left Lane Losers
These stubborn pricks are the ones who set up camp in the left lane on the highway and lock their cruise control to what seems like 50mph. This lane is a passing lane, not one for a leisurely stroll. When someone comes up on you, move out of the way and let them pass. If you're the person that says I'm gonna spite them and stay put because he/she shouldn't be going so fast, I will maul you if I see you in public. If you're not doing at least 90mph, take the local roads.
The Parking Putz
These fruitcakes are the ones that take up two spots or don't properly align their car with the LINES in the lot. Is this too hard? There are two big, bold, white lines for a reason! Get between them! Not on them, not slightly over them, but between them! If you're near a curb, there is no reason to be 3 feet from the curb or half on the curb. My next car is going to be a tow truck and I am going to start arbitrarily towing peeps who cant park properly. I will leave your car in a random lot around town and then send you clues each day for you to try and find it.
So this basically sums up my daily frustrations. If you are one of the schmucks above, please correct your inability to adhere to the rules of the road immediately or suffer my wrath next time I'm in your neighborhood. Still think you can drive? As I said earlier....you cant.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
18-hour hell
Played basketball last night, much like I do every week. My knees arent what they used to be when I was 20, but I am still able to play with a reasonable amount of skill. Of course if I dropped a few more lbs. to alleviate extra weight on them, they might last longer, but hey, I love to eat and thats something I will do forever. Once the knees give way, I will then and only then, entertain the idea of golf, bridge, and a walker. Unfortunately for me, those days are closer than they are further at this stage of the game. So while playing last night, I rolled my ankle on an opponents foot and went to the ground (no assholes, the Richter Scale was not affected). As I heard a slight snap, I realized there was a problem. I hobbled to my car in excruciating pain, all while walking like a newborn Giraffe. Between the ice, and the crawling upstairs, it was not a good night. Then as I got in bed, my ankle began to develop its own heartbeat....
I awake this morning, put pressure on it slightly and saw stars. As blood flow returned, it subsided and I was able to walk, albeit like Cropsy dragging the said foot. This is where it gets good...or bad if your my wife. The kids come in our room to greet us much like every morning. But wait, something seems awry? As we continued getting ready, my wife screeches, "WHAT DID YOU DO???!!!" Never a good thing to hear as you can imagine. Well, my son took his childproof scissors out for a project. Only problem, it was a project he had never embarked on before. He had cut his hair and his sisters hair completely off. Yes, he did. My daughter had beautiful brown locks which now look like a bunch of angry, drunk, Mexican landscapers took out the fury of God on. Completely off. As for him, his bangs, normally eyebrow length, are now barely an inch from his scalp. He looks like Ringo Starr might as a young boy and she is a cross between Sinead O'Conner and Pink. Parenthood rocks and I need a friggen x-ray!
I awake this morning, put pressure on it slightly and saw stars. As blood flow returned, it subsided and I was able to walk, albeit like Cropsy dragging the said foot. This is where it gets good...or bad if your my wife. The kids come in our room to greet us much like every morning. But wait, something seems awry? As we continued getting ready, my wife screeches, "WHAT DID YOU DO???!!!" Never a good thing to hear as you can imagine. Well, my son took his childproof scissors out for a project. Only problem, it was a project he had never embarked on before. He had cut his hair and his sisters hair completely off. Yes, he did. My daughter had beautiful brown locks which now look like a bunch of angry, drunk, Mexican landscapers took out the fury of God on. Completely off. As for him, his bangs, normally eyebrow length, are now barely an inch from his scalp. He looks like Ringo Starr might as a young boy and she is a cross between Sinead O'Conner and Pink. Parenthood rocks and I need a friggen x-ray!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Line
I just returned from my son's Kindergarten graduation. I swelled up at some points throughout the ceremony. I am a pussy. Anyway, all the families of the graduates were in attendance. As I panned the room to see who looks good and who looks like they got hit in the face with a bag of nickels, I noticed something in almost every corner of the room that struck me as alarming in this day and age. The Line. What is the line? The line is that thick band that hugs the back of a woman's thigh indicating she is a wearer of bloomers rather than a thong. This may have flown back in the 30s and 40s folks, but in 2010? Now, you're probably thinking, "ewww, he was looking at all these women's butts!" The answer to that question is emphatically NO! (not all of them). The fact that we are on the brink of Summer, women naturally wear more revealing clothing and in some cases appallingly so. The common man can notice The Line at incredible distances, kinda like a lion seeking out the weakest Gazelle from across the savannah if you will. We sit, we watch, and we evaluate. After all, The Line does speak volumes about a woman. To me, it simply means a few major things. One, she is sexually reserved. Two, she doesn't feel sexy nor considers herself to be so. And lastly, she either has the menstrual cycle of an elephant in heat or she hasn't groomed her nether regions since the last Haley's Comet flyby in '87. Bottom line, there is no reason for any women to envelope herself in these tarp-like kitty covers. I don't care about your comfort, its not about you...its about me and us lions in the brush.....
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Oh the places I will see...
...or maybe not. I was thinking.... Maybe the start of this blog is just the beginning? Maybe this blog ends up getting read by millions? Doubtful. However, that being said, it only takes one person with halfway decent credentials to say, "Hey, this dudes gotta point?" Only time will tell. Will I be asking Lindsay Lohan in 20 years what its like to have served those 20 behind bars for crack, on my own talk show? Naah. So what is it that drives me to entertain this very idea you ask? Its the everyday things we all go through and experience that no one ever talks about. Like when your in he stall in a public restroom doing your thing and you are happy you have the bathroom all to yourself, then, someone enters and we do the fake cough / throat clearing to make our presence known. This isn't everyday conversation, but its something that should be in my opinion. Its these idiosyncrasies for which I wish to unveil. So, remember, if its happened to you or you do it and think no one else does...you're wrong. So, going back to my evening now. Go back to yours.
No I'm serious, go.
No I'm serious, go.
Inaugural Post
So, after many suggestions and requests, I have finally decided to create a blog. I will use it to vent my frustrations, pleasures, humor, current events and anything else I deem "blog worthy." I hope I am able to make each day better for the readers, even if it is just a moment of comic relief or insight throughout the course of hectic day. I will not post all day long, but rather sporadically. This is not going to be a Twitter or Facebook style blog. For example, I will not be telling you I just popped a pimple on my ass or that I'm going to be here or there. It will be more of my perspective on things that pop into my mind. For those who know me, that can be anything at almost any time. If your anything like me, and I know I am, this should be fun. Please keep in mind, I hold a job. My job pays me. This does not.
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