A Loving Daughter

A New Hampshire teenager was arrested after allegedly spiking her mother's Kool-Aid with Lysol and burning her throat with the tainted drink, MyFoxBoston reported.

Police say 17-year-old Brittany Merrill poisoned the drink to get back at her mother for an argument they had at home two days before.

Merrill was charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct and arraigned Monday at a court in Hampton, N.H., MyFoxBoston reported.

Merrill's mother detected stopped drinking the Kool-Aid and called 911 after her throat began burning, police said. Emergency responders arrived at the home at about 1:30 a.m., though the victim did not want to be taken to the hospital.



Merrill's mother obtained a court order barring her daughter from having contact with her, which means the teen will not have a place to live if she posts her $500 bail.

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So your mom denied you that makeover at the mall because she knew it was a waste of money. You are, and always will be, a complete mess right? What else could it have been? I mean it had to be as serious as this if you're spiking mom's Kool-aid. Do people still drink Kool-aid anyway? Its 1:30am, her mom should have been in bed, not drinking Kool-aid and burning her throat off. What does she have for breakfast, Ovaltine? Listen, we have all had arguments with our moms and I think this ole tub o'goo took it to the next level. If I fought with my mom and wanted to get her back, I threw my plate in the sink as opposed to the dishwasher. I didn't deliberately cause chemical burns down the
lining of her esophagus. Did she expect to get grounded and call it even? What goes through someones mind when spiking mommy's bug juice with Lysol anyway? Chances are this isn't the first erratic thing this asshat has done in her life, so maybe you should have sought help the first couple of times. Serves this mom right for not paying attention to her kid's obvious lunacy. Let this be a lesson, if your kid acts out, and the behavior is deemed erratic by a normal person, chop off a pinkie. It will send the message instantly and constantly remind them when they see their missing digit. Besides the pinkie is on its way out, its so 10,0000 years ago, so it doesn't even matter.

 So mommy, now that you talk like Marlon Brando, and your kid is forbidden back in your home, don't you feel silly you didn't nip this in the bud like...at birth for example? I mean she obviously brings nothing to the table except the fat, acne, Goth look coupled with an obvious tendency for
chemical warfare. Have fun in the streets chub rock, maybe you will find a nice home elsewhere
where they can use a nice lye bath or something...

The South Jersey Shore

Big fan of the Jersey Shore. I mean where else can you watch 5 schmucks lay on the beach, mack broads, and get rich and famous while doing it? Is it the best gig ever? It just may be. I couldn't help to think if the same show would be successful if you did it about 5 Jews. I think it would be a huge hit. I can see it now... Mike "The Situation" would now be Shlomo "The Shlepper"....Pauly-D would now be Bernie Weingold or Bernie-Dubs for short,...J-WOWW would be Oy-Vey-J,...Snookie would be Shvitzy,....and Ronnie, well he can just be Ronnie. Tell me this doesn't sound like a banner cast. Five Jews at the Shore sounds like a hit before I even see an episode. They can be sitting around their shore house, a $3.5MM pad on the beach that Shvitzy's grandmother has owned for years. They wouldn't discuss things like clubs or scoring chicks, but rather the humidity and how they have to pick up a cake for tonight's party. Instead of GTL, (Gym, Tan, Laundry for those who aren't familiar)it would be more like MPH or Manicure, Pedicure, Highlights. They would show them wildly enjoying the summer eves while engaging in Mah-Jong and Canasta. Instead of drunk fights on the club dance floor, they can show The Shlepper and Bernie-Dubs arguing with two hassids over who got a better mortgage rate. I mean the possibilities are endless. Forget bringing chicks back to their crib, they wouldn't be allowed to get sand on the carpet. Even if they snuck the chicks in, they would have to sleep in different rooms until they were married even though its a one-night stand. Friday nights would suck though, its Shabbat, and they can only sit around drinking Maneschevitz and eating latkes. Saturday mornings would be fun around the house before the beach. One of them would go and get some bagels and a shmear while the others prepare for the beach. Now while the normal cast would be packing tanning oil, beers, sunglasses and some towels, the Jewish cast would have a guy come and pack up for them and then bring their stuff down to the beach. He would pack Kleenex, suntan lotion (SPF 25 through 50), a few small sandwiches in case they get noshy, visors (so they can see and quickly throw it on should someone start gossiping about someone else), moist towelettes in case they shvitz, cell phone in case the accountant should call mid-day on a Saturday, fresh fruit because the guy on the beach selling snacks is a fortune at $.25 a plum, and lastly a big blanket to put it on as not to get sand on ANYTHING. Hopefully it wouldn't be to hot because the water is off limits, especially for the women. They cant get their head wet because of some stupid Japanese straightening or Keratin treatment they got only days before, which prevents them from getting their hair even so much as damp for months at a clip. Chances are, that after all this, they would go back to the house in about 45 minutes anyway because they were chilly on a 90 degree day. The episode would end with them all eating Chinese food and putting on anti-wrinkle cream. Not for nothing, I think I may have something here.......

Titty Monkey

Click post title to be directed to referenced article.


So this Peruvian guy just arrived in Mexico on a flight that just landed. During routine customs inspection they noticed he was transporting something and he was noticeably nervous. Nervous? This lunatic had 18 Titi Monkeys under his fucking shirt and in some sort of belt. He apparently removed them from his luggage to avoid them being exposed to the x-ray? Not for nothing, but I have never heard of a Titi Monkey before in my life. As an avid Discovery Channel watcher, it marvels me at how something like this can escape me. Are Titi Monkeys named as such due to their ability to clamp on to your titties as you smuggle them around the world? Seems fitting. Who smuggles monkeys around from country to country anyway, AND 18 of the little fuckers to boot. Did he not think he was going to raise suspicion SOMEWHERE along the way? Listen Pablo, you have 18 titty monkeys under your shirt. Not one or two, but 18. I mean I can see the lay person attempting to smuggle one or two titty monkeys for those boring flights, but 18 is pushing the envelope. Not to mention, the dude is 38. He said they were his pets. What 38 year old dude has any monkey as a pet, let alone 18 titty monkeys. I find the whole thing absurd. Whats even more absurd is that this dipshit actually made it on to a flight out of Peru only to get caught in Mexico. How does that happen? Didn't Peruvian authorities see his shirt moving as he passed through the metal detectors? Great security. Now, if they had a titty monkey detector, they would have caught this primate packing dingbat right away. I think I need myself some titty monkey. They are cuddly and apparently easy to transport. They would be a real hit with the chicks I bet. Anyway, as this poor ole scrap sits in a holding cell in a Mexican airport, I hope he strongly considers only taking one or two titty monkeys next time he feels like bringing his pet along for a vacation.

Nose Hair

Ive seen a lot of people with whom I have spoken with in recent weeks with a problem they seem to know nothing about. Frankly, I find it alarming at how many people suffer from this problem while there is such a quick and easy solution. This problem, is visible nose hair. If your nose hair is coming out of your nose and I can see it while engaged in conversation, listen up. Folks, take some pride in yourselves. If I am focused in on the nose hair crawling down your fucking face while you talk, then something is wrong. Do you not see this when you look in the mirror? How about if you're a guy..don't you shave? I mean you'd have to grab on to them like vines and move them out of the way to get close enough. Has it never dawned on you to maybe trim them? You have to see it don't you? We do, and were standing several feet away. I mean I don't know whether to talk to you or get naked, throw a leaf over my balls, and start swinging on them like Tarzan. I shouldn't have to make such a tough choice. I mean do you walk around with your short and curlies sticking out of the bottom of your shorts? Isn't that the same thing? Its fucking gross and makes wanna throw up in my mouth every time I see it. Personally, when I see this on someone, it speaks volumes to me about them. First off, they're obviously fucking blind. Secondly, they care not about their hygiene and/or general appearance. And lastly, if they don't groom their nose hair, God knows whats doing downstairs. Its probably like a button on a fur coat fercrissakes. If you're a woman and your nose hair is visible, there is immediately no question in my mind that you also have hair coming out of your nipples. They just go together and I don't want to have to think about your hairy pencil erasers. So, after you read this and then go check yourself, I cant help thinking that my making you aware, has been a service for the greater good. Lets get it together!

Customer Service

I think its fair to assume that we all go through it but really never vent about it. Well, I'm going to. The topic: Customer Service Reps on the telephone. I just hung up with a credit card company who never sent me my new card that expired in January. Now, obviously I don't use it much really, but that's not the point. The point here is that I just went through torture trying to relay my issue to this fucking dipshit on the other end of the phone. I could tell by the connection that he was in a third world country, in a blown out building, no air conditioning with vermin everywhere, sitting at a long desk with phones, that this credit card company chose to outsource as a way to curb costs. Being completely xenophobic, this immediately irks the shit out of me, but I have no choice if I wish to resolve my issue. This marble-chewing motherfucker is talking less clearly than Charlie Browns teacher with laryngitis. I couldn't understand a blessed word this schmuck was uttering. Finally, after he read his "prepared" speech introducing himself which seems like it took 45 minutes, I was forced to say only, "What?" He then asked me if I "clearly" understood the terms and conditions. I said, listen dude...on my kids, I couldn't tell if you were reading any terms and conditions or a passage from the Kuran. Get me someone who speaky English! With that, this assclown gets a supervisor who sounds the exact same! Are they kidding me? Am I on candid camera? I finally relayed my issue to this dingbat who then had the audacity to tell me I needed to be transferred to a different department. I blew my top. After I utterly demeaned and humiliated this person in diction I choose not to display here, I was transferred. Who picks up? Apparently the cousin or something of the two schmucks I just spoke with. Needless to say, I hung up the phone faster than a west Texas windstorm. I went online and found some live chat option that got me what I needed.
So, I'm irate. In a bad mood. I don't get one thing however. All these U.S. companies are outsourcing employees overseas to save money right? So, we have all experienced this on many occasions with many different companies. Isn't it fair to assume that everyone of these Indian citizens or whomever, are now employed? I mean, their unemployment rate has to be 0% right?. That being said, what strikes me as odd is how we still see these Sally Struthers commercials pleading for us to sponsor one of these people! Cant they afford like Porsche's and shit now with all the work they've gotten? I mean they show some dude with his ribs popping out of his side and a protruding jaw while he is walking a cow on some dirt road. Did it ever dawn on ya pal that you're walking a fucking Filet Mignon! I know the cow is sacred and all over there, and you can't kill them, but dude, you're FAMISHED! Theres a fucking porterhouse and milk attached to your wrist? Smartin' up and quit begging for food when its within arms length. Besides, if you quit being Sally Struthers little bitch and walked that cow into town, you may just get a job offer from Dell to talk unsuspecting Americans who have a broken printer or something! Oh, and stop false advertising. If I ever sponsor one of those "deprived" dudes over there, you best be throwing in the fly. I'm just sayin....

He's Gone...Nothin's Gonna Bring Him Back.

So by now we have all seen this debacle that is the LeBron James free agency saga. Last night, the long awaited decision was made and hopefully this shit was put to rest. That being said, there are many folks this morning voicing their unwanted and self-righteous opinions of the aforementioned decision. I say who the fuck gives a crap. I mean, do Clevelanders really think he was going to stay in that shithole? Cleveland is the whitehead on the ass of the Earth. Why would he want to stay in such a place when he can be clinking mojitos with the high society down in South Beach? Would you have stayed? Not a shot. I don't wanna hear these crybabies saying it was his home, or he was special to Cleveland, or its his friends and family. Bottom line, LBJ plays basketball for a living for the same reasons anyone does anything for a living - to make money and be the best that you can be at your profession. As a Knick fan, I was equally disappointed but it was just that - disappointment. I didn't go burning effigies of him in the street or stomp on his posters or flip a car or whatever else these meatheads in Cleveland were doing. I respected his decision, though I had hoped it was to NY. These poor Clevelanders haven't won a single thing in like 250 years or some shit, and I got news folks, it may very well be another 250 years still! The Cavs (pre-Lebron), Browns, and Indians could be the worst chances one has of seeing a city bring home some sort of title. Its over Cleveland.

I would also be remissed if I did not comment on Cavs owner Dan Gilbert's letter to the Cleveland fans today. Have you ever seen a bigger douchebag/sore loser? He "guaranteed" the Cavs win a championship before the Heat do. Really? I like the balls, but c'mon. The Cavs couldn't win a championship if you spotted them 80 wins. They are the proverbial losers of the game. Sure, there was a pittance of hope when LBJ graced the hardwood there, but not no mo' folks! They are like the Washington Generals of the NBA. The Washington Generals have in their contract that they must lose every game they play against the Harlem Globetrotters for entertainment purposes. I'm not so sure the Cavs don't have some similar clause with the league. Any prosperity they have enjoyed in the last 5 years or whatever, is gone people. Say hello to 21-61 in 2010-11.

Personally, I could give a rats ass how he handled it or what he decided on or how much money hes gonna make. If I were in his shoes, I would have done one better than sitting on a directors chair in a Boys/Girls club gym in Greenwich, CT. I would have had like 40 of the hottest hookers the world has to offer surrounding me all while fanning me and feeding me grapes at my pool. There would have been skywriters overhead, fireworks, and an interruption of every major programming network. Then, I would have made my decision and told the other teams to fuck off. No sugar coating here friends.

So, Lebron...enjoy every last minute of it my friend, you earned it. Fuck all the haters and get yours. May you have all the success you desire except when you play the Knicks twice a year. I hope they beat you by 50 and sub in scrubs to try and break your ankles. Otherwise, go gettem!

Waiting In Line

It just dawned on me how much people actually wait in lines for shit. Personally, I fuckin hate waiting in lines. They're typically slow moving and at the end of the day, really unnecessary. Its a difficult concept to understand really when you think about it. I mean is it necessary to wait in line to get into a bar for example? I see it all the time, people lined up around the corner waiting to get in. Simple deductive reasoning would tell me that if there are this many people waiting to get in, that there are probably twice that amount already inside. Do you really need to get in there that bad? Do you enjoy standing asshole to belly-button with some dudes armpit in your mug? Its a bar. There are many like it. Go to another one. Duh. I also particularly love these fruitcakes who camp out in lines to see a fucking movie. What jackass has the time to sit in line in a tent for 3 days ahead of the release so he can be first in the theatre? I simply don't get it. Cant you swing by at your leisure like a week later and walk right in? Are they giving away gold plated gummi bears or are you that much of a nerd that you have the be the first one to see Star Trek 87: The Retirement Years? This goes for those iPhone freaks as well. You HAVE to have it the day it comes out? Really? Why? Is your life going to be ruined if you get it, say, a day or two later? These dingbats would rather wait on line for hours at a clip for a telephone. A telephone no less, they can get without waiting on line like 48 hours later? Maybe they cant wait to get in there and get helped by a dude with huge holey discs in his ears and eyelid rings? The best part of going to the Apple store for me is looking at the help. They are truly works of art. Mind boggling. Personally if I see a line anywhere, I'm leaving. Nothing is THAT worth my time to wait. If I cant get right in, I'm outta there. There is no point, unless of course its 2 Burgers for a Buck at McDonald's, then I understand....

WTF?

Um, someone care to tell me what the fuck is going on here? Apparently, some French dude "scraped his ass" this past weekend in the Tour De France. Scraped? You can see his fuckin' liver! How this cat isn't on the first heli-vac to the nearest trauma ward is beyond me. Hell, I almost had a career ending paper cut some weeks ago and I thought that was bad. This dude is grimacing like he just got stung by a bee or something. HELLO, your fucking ass fell off! I just hope when they retrace the course to look for his ass, they don't find it run over by other cyclists. A flat ass is unattractive. I understand a cut, or a bruise, or perhaps a gash, but this dudes ass simply fell off. Was he breaking the land speed record or something? I mean you'd have to be moving at rocket speed to have your ass fall off right? This is why if I ever competed in the Tour De France, Id be the only dude rockin' a banana seat. I gots to protect my shit yo. Well, I'm sure this ass-thrashing isn't life threatening, though it seems to look like it is. The good thing is that this is all "behind him now" (pun intended).

LiLo

This Lindsay Lohan crap is the most annoying shit of all time. It consumes the tabloids, the Internet, the news magazine shows and frankly its gotta stop. Yesterday was a banner day as they threw this hoodrat into the slammer, and rightfully so. Personally, I wana punch this pin cushion in the face myself. The fact that the judge gave her 90 days and not 10 years is commendable. I would have sentenced her to 10 years hard labor and then showed up while she was working laughing and pointing at her. That 'holier than thou' attitude makes me want to thrash her. She was a successful actress or at least on her way to be. Mix in some booze and drugs coupled with unprecedented promiscuity and shes now broke and going to jail? I don't get it. Why is it so hard to be famous? Day in and day out we hear of celebs getting arrested for DUI's, assault, drug possession, resisting arrest etc. Is it because they are famous that we hear about them or is it the law of averages? Whatever it is, its apparently very difficult being famous. When Lindsay was crying to the court yesterday, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and got a small chub as she slobbered away. I was happy for her demise. She brought it on herself and thought she was above the law. Another thing that strikes me is how is she broke? How are a bunch of well known celebs/athletes broke? I know they spend lavishly and support their friends and family, but is there not a SINGLE person in any of their circles that has half a brain? I mean she makes millions per film. I guess a case of the sniffies and a propensity for grandpas old cough medicine is a pricey vice. Anyway, as she makes license plates and fends off smelly, crack-ridden hookers, maybe she will wake the fuck up and turn her life around. If she does, I just hope she does it out of the spotlight so we don't have to hear every tidbit of her so-called recovery. If she doesn't, she is dead within 5 years.

IFOCE

The IFOCE or International Federation Of Competitive Eating, took a giant leap backwards this past weekend. As you may or may not know, this "sport" has been increasing in popularity over the last 10 years. I took a particular interest in this phenomena some years ago after watching an eating contest on the Travel Channel. I was more amazed that people actually ate 40 sticks of butter than the actual fact that they did it in record time. These guys lineup at the competitions and throw down foods which were simply not meant to be consumed in quantities. I have seen these slobs compete to consume bowls of mayonnaise, globs of wasabi, matzoh balls and of course, this weekends infamous Nathans hotdog eating contest in Coney Island - the Superbowl of this heralded sport. As we all know, Takeru Kobayashi has been a perennial champion in this event. Hailing from Japan, this human dumpster has consistently thrown down 50+ hotdogs including the buns in an unfathomable amount of time year after year. But,...this year was different. There was a noticeable void on the stage. Reigning champion Kobayashi was nowhere to be found. Did he die practicing for this event? Did he tear his stomach lining in another contest which prevented his attendance in this one? Nope. He was not participating due to a contract dispute. (record scratching) A what? A contract dispute? You're fucking kidding me. This wiener-eating alien gets paid to do this? And theres a contract no less? I wonder if he has an agent. If he does, can you imagine what this clown tells people he does for a living? I can see him now at the bargaining table talking about franks and beans like Drew Rosenhaus talks about performance incentives. I need to contact this guy asap. I'm pretty sure I'm tops in the world when it comes to eating Cheez balls and I want a fucking contract stat. I mean its not like he isn't taking on any new clients right? Anyway, the hotdog eating contest went on without Kobayashi this weekend. Perennial IFOCE all-star Joey Chestnut, a man well respected and revered in this league, took home the crown. As he reveled in his glory and received praise and accolades for his tremendous feat, there was a sudden scuffle emerging off to the front of the stage. Holy Shit! Its Kobayashi! This hotdog loving psychopath tried to storm the stage after Joey Chestnut won! He was waiting in the wings to pounce on whomever took his crown this year. He wasn't going to let a mere mortal overthrow his iron fist. After being subdued and charged with various crimes, they hauled him away in the paddy wagon! Not only do these "athletes" have to worry about puking, cholesterol, blood pressure, plus various other health risks, but they have to worry about their competition attacking them should they take the cake (or hotdog). To think, Kobayashi here, spent the night in the clink all because he couldn't agree to a contract for the event. Was it about money or maybe he wanted a lifetime supply of the little french fry forks? We will never know. So, as we regain the title as a nation, may we all bask in the glory of Mr. Chestnuts legendary feat and continue to bring hotdog terrorism to its knees...