The Man Test

I have seen a lot of questionable acts recently by guys that make me scratch my head. I have listed a few of these examples a self test to make sure you are above reproach as a real man...



1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, youre not a straight man. It means you havent sucked back enough beer with the guys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and the Oprah diet....




2. If you have a cat, you are undeniably a loser. A cat is like a dog, but queer - it grooms itself constantly, but never scratches itself. It has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws to scratch the shit out of you and it whines to be fed. Just think of how you call a dog..."Killer! come here!.. Now, think about how you call a cat..... "Bun-bun, come to daddy snookums." Yep, youre a girl.



3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A real man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig's feet and tits. Anything else and you are a chick in training and undeniably not a man.



4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet - he defecates and urinates where he pleases. Go with it or live with the fact that you are suspect.


5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, there's something wrong Tinkerbelle. A real man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte." If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other
than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all that crap. If you can pick out Chartreusse, you're not a real man. If you can name ANY type of textile besides cotton or denim, forget renewing your man card.


7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, youre dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at the slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. the rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his drink. Drive like a man or move over...ma'am.

Thanks.