The Man Test

I have seen a lot of questionable acts recently by guys that make me scratch my head. I have listed a few of these examples a self test to make sure you are above reproach as a real man...



1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, youre not a straight man. It means you havent sucked back enough beer with the guys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and the Oprah diet....




2. If you have a cat, you are undeniably a loser. A cat is like a dog, but queer - it grooms itself constantly, but never scratches itself. It has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws to scratch the shit out of you and it whines to be fed. Just think of how you call a dog..."Killer! come here!.. Now, think about how you call a cat..... "Bun-bun, come to daddy snookums." Yep, youre a girl.



3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A real man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig's feet and tits. Anything else and you are a chick in training and undeniably not a man.



4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet - he defecates and urinates where he pleases. Go with it or live with the fact that you are suspect.


5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, there's something wrong Tinkerbelle. A real man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte." If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other
than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all that crap. If you can pick out Chartreusse, you're not a real man. If you can name ANY type of textile besides cotton or denim, forget renewing your man card.


7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, youre dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at the slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. the rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his drink. Drive like a man or move over...ma'am.

Thanks.

Cat Snack

The Marinating Cat Is Off the Menu -- And In a New Home

Published August 11, 2010
FoxNews.com


A 4-year-old feline was rescued Sunday from 51-year-old Gary Korkuc, who was preparing the cat as a meal by “marinating” him in oil and peppers in the trunk of his car. Police officers made the discovery during a traffic stop.

The Erie County SPCA's Alice Mallone, who handled the first adoption as well as Dankowski’s

adoption, said of Oliver, “it was a match made in heaven.”

She says Dankowski’s adoption of Oliver “warms her heart” because she knows that this time Oliver is going to a caring and loving home.

Police say Korkuc told them he mistreated the cat because it was ill-tempered. Korkuc was charged with cruelty and released.

Dankowski describes Oliver as “adorable, playful, loves attention, and is not aggressive at all.”

Since being at home, Dankowski says, Oliver has been exploring his new home and the only thing left to do is get Oliver acclimated with her other feline friend.

“They have met through the baby gate and hissed at each other a little. It will take time.”



SCREEEECH! Hold the music! This dude was mad at his cat so he marinated the fucker in oil and peppers and was going to eat him? Am I reading this right? First of all, who gets mad at a cat. Secondly, granted, cats suck, but everyone knows you bury them up to their head on the lawn and then just mow the grass, you don't eat them. Better yet, the cat was marinating in his trunk! Where the fuck was he taking him? Obviously he was taking him to some Cambodian restaurant for the proper preparation. Everybody knows that those peeps love to eat household pets. I guess he kept in the trunk as not to spill oil on the leather, makes sense.. My question is, what if it suffocates? Perhaps he factored that in I suppose. Cat may very well be better tasting dead than alive, I'm not sure, though I would probably prefer it alive as it would be fresher and more succulent.

I'm not totally convinced after reading this that this guy has lost it. I mean cats are the worst fucking animals alive (eat me PETA). All they do is sit on top of televisions and chase fucking strings around. Not to mention they have attitudes as well. I love people who compare dogs to cats and say cats are also fun and playful. Cat people are distinctly different than dog people. Cats blow, period. Too bad this guy wasn't one of those animal hoarders who have like 50,000 cats in their homes. Can you imagine the smorgasbord this dude would have? I mean I'm talkin cat dumplings, stuffed cat, fried cat sandwiches, cat pizza, cat infused seafood...the list can go on and on....

So, I suppose there is a lesson to be learned here. If you're gonna eat cat, don't marinate it in your trunk beforehand. Let it simmer at home where it belongs. That being said, this guy just brought eating pussy to a whole new level.

P.S. I wonder what other recipes he has, I'm drooling just thinking about it

A Loving Daughter

A New Hampshire teenager was arrested after allegedly spiking her mother's Kool-Aid with Lysol and burning her throat with the tainted drink, MyFoxBoston reported.

Police say 17-year-old Brittany Merrill poisoned the drink to get back at her mother for an argument they had at home two days before.

Merrill was charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct and arraigned Monday at a court in Hampton, N.H., MyFoxBoston reported.

Merrill's mother detected stopped drinking the Kool-Aid and called 911 after her throat began burning, police said. Emergency responders arrived at the home at about 1:30 a.m., though the victim did not want to be taken to the hospital.



Merrill's mother obtained a court order barring her daughter from having contact with her, which means the teen will not have a place to live if she posts her $500 bail.

~~~~~~

So your mom denied you that makeover at the mall because she knew it was a waste of money. You are, and always will be, a complete mess right? What else could it have been? I mean it had to be as serious as this if you're spiking mom's Kool-aid. Do people still drink Kool-aid anyway? Its 1:30am, her mom should have been in bed, not drinking Kool-aid and burning her throat off. What does she have for breakfast, Ovaltine? Listen, we have all had arguments with our moms and I think this ole tub o'goo took it to the next level. If I fought with my mom and wanted to get her back, I threw my plate in the sink as opposed to the dishwasher. I didn't deliberately cause chemical burns down the
lining of her esophagus. Did she expect to get grounded and call it even? What goes through someones mind when spiking mommy's bug juice with Lysol anyway? Chances are this isn't the first erratic thing this asshat has done in her life, so maybe you should have sought help the first couple of times. Serves this mom right for not paying attention to her kid's obvious lunacy. Let this be a lesson, if your kid acts out, and the behavior is deemed erratic by a normal person, chop off a pinkie. It will send the message instantly and constantly remind them when they see their missing digit. Besides the pinkie is on its way out, its so 10,0000 years ago, so it doesn't even matter.

 So mommy, now that you talk like Marlon Brando, and your kid is forbidden back in your home, don't you feel silly you didn't nip this in the bud like...at birth for example? I mean she obviously brings nothing to the table except the fat, acne, Goth look coupled with an obvious tendency for
chemical warfare. Have fun in the streets chub rock, maybe you will find a nice home elsewhere
where they can use a nice lye bath or something...

The South Jersey Shore

Big fan of the Jersey Shore. I mean where else can you watch 5 schmucks lay on the beach, mack broads, and get rich and famous while doing it? Is it the best gig ever? It just may be. I couldn't help to think if the same show would be successful if you did it about 5 Jews. I think it would be a huge hit. I can see it now... Mike "The Situation" would now be Shlomo "The Shlepper"....Pauly-D would now be Bernie Weingold or Bernie-Dubs for short,...J-WOWW would be Oy-Vey-J,...Snookie would be Shvitzy,....and Ronnie, well he can just be Ronnie. Tell me this doesn't sound like a banner cast. Five Jews at the Shore sounds like a hit before I even see an episode. They can be sitting around their shore house, a $3.5MM pad on the beach that Shvitzy's grandmother has owned for years. They wouldn't discuss things like clubs or scoring chicks, but rather the humidity and how they have to pick up a cake for tonight's party. Instead of GTL, (Gym, Tan, Laundry for those who aren't familiar)it would be more like MPH or Manicure, Pedicure, Highlights. They would show them wildly enjoying the summer eves while engaging in Mah-Jong and Canasta. Instead of drunk fights on the club dance floor, they can show The Shlepper and Bernie-Dubs arguing with two hassids over who got a better mortgage rate. I mean the possibilities are endless. Forget bringing chicks back to their crib, they wouldn't be allowed to get sand on the carpet. Even if they snuck the chicks in, they would have to sleep in different rooms until they were married even though its a one-night stand. Friday nights would suck though, its Shabbat, and they can only sit around drinking Maneschevitz and eating latkes. Saturday mornings would be fun around the house before the beach. One of them would go and get some bagels and a shmear while the others prepare for the beach. Now while the normal cast would be packing tanning oil, beers, sunglasses and some towels, the Jewish cast would have a guy come and pack up for them and then bring their stuff down to the beach. He would pack Kleenex, suntan lotion (SPF 25 through 50), a few small sandwiches in case they get noshy, visors (so they can see and quickly throw it on should someone start gossiping about someone else), moist towelettes in case they shvitz, cell phone in case the accountant should call mid-day on a Saturday, fresh fruit because the guy on the beach selling snacks is a fortune at $.25 a plum, and lastly a big blanket to put it on as not to get sand on ANYTHING. Hopefully it wouldn't be to hot because the water is off limits, especially for the women. They cant get their head wet because of some stupid Japanese straightening or Keratin treatment they got only days before, which prevents them from getting their hair even so much as damp for months at a clip. Chances are, that after all this, they would go back to the house in about 45 minutes anyway because they were chilly on a 90 degree day. The episode would end with them all eating Chinese food and putting on anti-wrinkle cream. Not for nothing, I think I may have something here.......

Titty Monkey

Click post title to be directed to referenced article.


So this Peruvian guy just arrived in Mexico on a flight that just landed. During routine customs inspection they noticed he was transporting something and he was noticeably nervous. Nervous? This lunatic had 18 Titi Monkeys under his fucking shirt and in some sort of belt. He apparently removed them from his luggage to avoid them being exposed to the x-ray? Not for nothing, but I have never heard of a Titi Monkey before in my life. As an avid Discovery Channel watcher, it marvels me at how something like this can escape me. Are Titi Monkeys named as such due to their ability to clamp on to your titties as you smuggle them around the world? Seems fitting. Who smuggles monkeys around from country to country anyway, AND 18 of the little fuckers to boot. Did he not think he was going to raise suspicion SOMEWHERE along the way? Listen Pablo, you have 18 titty monkeys under your shirt. Not one or two, but 18. I mean I can see the lay person attempting to smuggle one or two titty monkeys for those boring flights, but 18 is pushing the envelope. Not to mention, the dude is 38. He said they were his pets. What 38 year old dude has any monkey as a pet, let alone 18 titty monkeys. I find the whole thing absurd. Whats even more absurd is that this dipshit actually made it on to a flight out of Peru only to get caught in Mexico. How does that happen? Didn't Peruvian authorities see his shirt moving as he passed through the metal detectors? Great security. Now, if they had a titty monkey detector, they would have caught this primate packing dingbat right away. I think I need myself some titty monkey. They are cuddly and apparently easy to transport. They would be a real hit with the chicks I bet. Anyway, as this poor ole scrap sits in a holding cell in a Mexican airport, I hope he strongly considers only taking one or two titty monkeys next time he feels like bringing his pet along for a vacation.

Nose Hair

Ive seen a lot of people with whom I have spoken with in recent weeks with a problem they seem to know nothing about. Frankly, I find it alarming at how many people suffer from this problem while there is such a quick and easy solution. This problem, is visible nose hair. If your nose hair is coming out of your nose and I can see it while engaged in conversation, listen up. Folks, take some pride in yourselves. If I am focused in on the nose hair crawling down your fucking face while you talk, then something is wrong. Do you not see this when you look in the mirror? How about if you're a guy..don't you shave? I mean you'd have to grab on to them like vines and move them out of the way to get close enough. Has it never dawned on you to maybe trim them? You have to see it don't you? We do, and were standing several feet away. I mean I don't know whether to talk to you or get naked, throw a leaf over my balls, and start swinging on them like Tarzan. I shouldn't have to make such a tough choice. I mean do you walk around with your short and curlies sticking out of the bottom of your shorts? Isn't that the same thing? Its fucking gross and makes wanna throw up in my mouth every time I see it. Personally, when I see this on someone, it speaks volumes to me about them. First off, they're obviously fucking blind. Secondly, they care not about their hygiene and/or general appearance. And lastly, if they don't groom their nose hair, God knows whats doing downstairs. Its probably like a button on a fur coat fercrissakes. If you're a woman and your nose hair is visible, there is immediately no question in my mind that you also have hair coming out of your nipples. They just go together and I don't want to have to think about your hairy pencil erasers. So, after you read this and then go check yourself, I cant help thinking that my making you aware, has been a service for the greater good. Lets get it together!

Customer Service

I think its fair to assume that we all go through it but really never vent about it. Well, I'm going to. The topic: Customer Service Reps on the telephone. I just hung up with a credit card company who never sent me my new card that expired in January. Now, obviously I don't use it much really, but that's not the point. The point here is that I just went through torture trying to relay my issue to this fucking dipshit on the other end of the phone. I could tell by the connection that he was in a third world country, in a blown out building, no air conditioning with vermin everywhere, sitting at a long desk with phones, that this credit card company chose to outsource as a way to curb costs. Being completely xenophobic, this immediately irks the shit out of me, but I have no choice if I wish to resolve my issue. This marble-chewing motherfucker is talking less clearly than Charlie Browns teacher with laryngitis. I couldn't understand a blessed word this schmuck was uttering. Finally, after he read his "prepared" speech introducing himself which seems like it took 45 minutes, I was forced to say only, "What?" He then asked me if I "clearly" understood the terms and conditions. I said, listen dude...on my kids, I couldn't tell if you were reading any terms and conditions or a passage from the Kuran. Get me someone who speaky English! With that, this assclown gets a supervisor who sounds the exact same! Are they kidding me? Am I on candid camera? I finally relayed my issue to this dingbat who then had the audacity to tell me I needed to be transferred to a different department. I blew my top. After I utterly demeaned and humiliated this person in diction I choose not to display here, I was transferred. Who picks up? Apparently the cousin or something of the two schmucks I just spoke with. Needless to say, I hung up the phone faster than a west Texas windstorm. I went online and found some live chat option that got me what I needed.
So, I'm irate. In a bad mood. I don't get one thing however. All these U.S. companies are outsourcing employees overseas to save money right? So, we have all experienced this on many occasions with many different companies. Isn't it fair to assume that everyone of these Indian citizens or whomever, are now employed? I mean, their unemployment rate has to be 0% right?. That being said, what strikes me as odd is how we still see these Sally Struthers commercials pleading for us to sponsor one of these people! Cant they afford like Porsche's and shit now with all the work they've gotten? I mean they show some dude with his ribs popping out of his side and a protruding jaw while he is walking a cow on some dirt road. Did it ever dawn on ya pal that you're walking a fucking Filet Mignon! I know the cow is sacred and all over there, and you can't kill them, but dude, you're FAMISHED! Theres a fucking porterhouse and milk attached to your wrist? Smartin' up and quit begging for food when its within arms length. Besides, if you quit being Sally Struthers little bitch and walked that cow into town, you may just get a job offer from Dell to talk unsuspecting Americans who have a broken printer or something! Oh, and stop false advertising. If I ever sponsor one of those "deprived" dudes over there, you best be throwing in the fly. I'm just sayin....

He's Gone...Nothin's Gonna Bring Him Back.

So by now we have all seen this debacle that is the LeBron James free agency saga. Last night, the long awaited decision was made and hopefully this shit was put to rest. That being said, there are many folks this morning voicing their unwanted and self-righteous opinions of the aforementioned decision. I say who the fuck gives a crap. I mean, do Clevelanders really think he was going to stay in that shithole? Cleveland is the whitehead on the ass of the Earth. Why would he want to stay in such a place when he can be clinking mojitos with the high society down in South Beach? Would you have stayed? Not a shot. I don't wanna hear these crybabies saying it was his home, or he was special to Cleveland, or its his friends and family. Bottom line, LBJ plays basketball for a living for the same reasons anyone does anything for a living - to make money and be the best that you can be at your profession. As a Knick fan, I was equally disappointed but it was just that - disappointment. I didn't go burning effigies of him in the street or stomp on his posters or flip a car or whatever else these meatheads in Cleveland were doing. I respected his decision, though I had hoped it was to NY. These poor Clevelanders haven't won a single thing in like 250 years or some shit, and I got news folks, it may very well be another 250 years still! The Cavs (pre-Lebron), Browns, and Indians could be the worst chances one has of seeing a city bring home some sort of title. Its over Cleveland.

I would also be remissed if I did not comment on Cavs owner Dan Gilbert's letter to the Cleveland fans today. Have you ever seen a bigger douchebag/sore loser? He "guaranteed" the Cavs win a championship before the Heat do. Really? I like the balls, but c'mon. The Cavs couldn't win a championship if you spotted them 80 wins. They are the proverbial losers of the game. Sure, there was a pittance of hope when LBJ graced the hardwood there, but not no mo' folks! They are like the Washington Generals of the NBA. The Washington Generals have in their contract that they must lose every game they play against the Harlem Globetrotters for entertainment purposes. I'm not so sure the Cavs don't have some similar clause with the league. Any prosperity they have enjoyed in the last 5 years or whatever, is gone people. Say hello to 21-61 in 2010-11.

Personally, I could give a rats ass how he handled it or what he decided on or how much money hes gonna make. If I were in his shoes, I would have done one better than sitting on a directors chair in a Boys/Girls club gym in Greenwich, CT. I would have had like 40 of the hottest hookers the world has to offer surrounding me all while fanning me and feeding me grapes at my pool. There would have been skywriters overhead, fireworks, and an interruption of every major programming network. Then, I would have made my decision and told the other teams to fuck off. No sugar coating here friends.

So, Lebron...enjoy every last minute of it my friend, you earned it. Fuck all the haters and get yours. May you have all the success you desire except when you play the Knicks twice a year. I hope they beat you by 50 and sub in scrubs to try and break your ankles. Otherwise, go gettem!

Waiting In Line

It just dawned on me how much people actually wait in lines for shit. Personally, I fuckin hate waiting in lines. They're typically slow moving and at the end of the day, really unnecessary. Its a difficult concept to understand really when you think about it. I mean is it necessary to wait in line to get into a bar for example? I see it all the time, people lined up around the corner waiting to get in. Simple deductive reasoning would tell me that if there are this many people waiting to get in, that there are probably twice that amount already inside. Do you really need to get in there that bad? Do you enjoy standing asshole to belly-button with some dudes armpit in your mug? Its a bar. There are many like it. Go to another one. Duh. I also particularly love these fruitcakes who camp out in lines to see a fucking movie. What jackass has the time to sit in line in a tent for 3 days ahead of the release so he can be first in the theatre? I simply don't get it. Cant you swing by at your leisure like a week later and walk right in? Are they giving away gold plated gummi bears or are you that much of a nerd that you have the be the first one to see Star Trek 87: The Retirement Years? This goes for those iPhone freaks as well. You HAVE to have it the day it comes out? Really? Why? Is your life going to be ruined if you get it, say, a day or two later? These dingbats would rather wait on line for hours at a clip for a telephone. A telephone no less, they can get without waiting on line like 48 hours later? Maybe they cant wait to get in there and get helped by a dude with huge holey discs in his ears and eyelid rings? The best part of going to the Apple store for me is looking at the help. They are truly works of art. Mind boggling. Personally if I see a line anywhere, I'm leaving. Nothing is THAT worth my time to wait. If I cant get right in, I'm outta there. There is no point, unless of course its 2 Burgers for a Buck at McDonald's, then I understand....

WTF?

Um, someone care to tell me what the fuck is going on here? Apparently, some French dude "scraped his ass" this past weekend in the Tour De France. Scraped? You can see his fuckin' liver! How this cat isn't on the first heli-vac to the nearest trauma ward is beyond me. Hell, I almost had a career ending paper cut some weeks ago and I thought that was bad. This dude is grimacing like he just got stung by a bee or something. HELLO, your fucking ass fell off! I just hope when they retrace the course to look for his ass, they don't find it run over by other cyclists. A flat ass is unattractive. I understand a cut, or a bruise, or perhaps a gash, but this dudes ass simply fell off. Was he breaking the land speed record or something? I mean you'd have to be moving at rocket speed to have your ass fall off right? This is why if I ever competed in the Tour De France, Id be the only dude rockin' a banana seat. I gots to protect my shit yo. Well, I'm sure this ass-thrashing isn't life threatening, though it seems to look like it is. The good thing is that this is all "behind him now" (pun intended).

LiLo

This Lindsay Lohan crap is the most annoying shit of all time. It consumes the tabloids, the Internet, the news magazine shows and frankly its gotta stop. Yesterday was a banner day as they threw this hoodrat into the slammer, and rightfully so. Personally, I wana punch this pin cushion in the face myself. The fact that the judge gave her 90 days and not 10 years is commendable. I would have sentenced her to 10 years hard labor and then showed up while she was working laughing and pointing at her. That 'holier than thou' attitude makes me want to thrash her. She was a successful actress or at least on her way to be. Mix in some booze and drugs coupled with unprecedented promiscuity and shes now broke and going to jail? I don't get it. Why is it so hard to be famous? Day in and day out we hear of celebs getting arrested for DUI's, assault, drug possession, resisting arrest etc. Is it because they are famous that we hear about them or is it the law of averages? Whatever it is, its apparently very difficult being famous. When Lindsay was crying to the court yesterday, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and got a small chub as she slobbered away. I was happy for her demise. She brought it on herself and thought she was above the law. Another thing that strikes me is how is she broke? How are a bunch of well known celebs/athletes broke? I know they spend lavishly and support their friends and family, but is there not a SINGLE person in any of their circles that has half a brain? I mean she makes millions per film. I guess a case of the sniffies and a propensity for grandpas old cough medicine is a pricey vice. Anyway, as she makes license plates and fends off smelly, crack-ridden hookers, maybe she will wake the fuck up and turn her life around. If she does, I just hope she does it out of the spotlight so we don't have to hear every tidbit of her so-called recovery. If she doesn't, she is dead within 5 years.

IFOCE

The IFOCE or International Federation Of Competitive Eating, took a giant leap backwards this past weekend. As you may or may not know, this "sport" has been increasing in popularity over the last 10 years. I took a particular interest in this phenomena some years ago after watching an eating contest on the Travel Channel. I was more amazed that people actually ate 40 sticks of butter than the actual fact that they did it in record time. These guys lineup at the competitions and throw down foods which were simply not meant to be consumed in quantities. I have seen these slobs compete to consume bowls of mayonnaise, globs of wasabi, matzoh balls and of course, this weekends infamous Nathans hotdog eating contest in Coney Island - the Superbowl of this heralded sport. As we all know, Takeru Kobayashi has been a perennial champion in this event. Hailing from Japan, this human dumpster has consistently thrown down 50+ hotdogs including the buns in an unfathomable amount of time year after year. But,...this year was different. There was a noticeable void on the stage. Reigning champion Kobayashi was nowhere to be found. Did he die practicing for this event? Did he tear his stomach lining in another contest which prevented his attendance in this one? Nope. He was not participating due to a contract dispute. (record scratching) A what? A contract dispute? You're fucking kidding me. This wiener-eating alien gets paid to do this? And theres a contract no less? I wonder if he has an agent. If he does, can you imagine what this clown tells people he does for a living? I can see him now at the bargaining table talking about franks and beans like Drew Rosenhaus talks about performance incentives. I need to contact this guy asap. I'm pretty sure I'm tops in the world when it comes to eating Cheez balls and I want a fucking contract stat. I mean its not like he isn't taking on any new clients right? Anyway, the hotdog eating contest went on without Kobayashi this weekend. Perennial IFOCE all-star Joey Chestnut, a man well respected and revered in this league, took home the crown. As he reveled in his glory and received praise and accolades for his tremendous feat, there was a sudden scuffle emerging off to the front of the stage. Holy Shit! Its Kobayashi! This hotdog loving psychopath tried to storm the stage after Joey Chestnut won! He was waiting in the wings to pounce on whomever took his crown this year. He wasn't going to let a mere mortal overthrow his iron fist. After being subdued and charged with various crimes, they hauled him away in the paddy wagon! Not only do these "athletes" have to worry about puking, cholesterol, blood pressure, plus various other health risks, but they have to worry about their competition attacking them should they take the cake (or hotdog). To think, Kobayashi here, spent the night in the clink all because he couldn't agree to a contract for the event. Was it about money or maybe he wanted a lifetime supply of the little french fry forks? We will never know. So, as we regain the title as a nation, may we all bask in the glory of Mr. Chestnuts legendary feat and continue to bring hotdog terrorism to its knees...

Rules For Summer

I hate Summer. I don't mind the Spring-like days of Summer, but the hot and humid days make me angry. See, the best thing about Winter or even late Fall, is that you can ALWAYS get warmer if need be. You're cold? Throw an extra sweater on. A little chilly at night? Get an extra blanket. Summer is a different story. You CAN'T always get cooler! Days like today are perfect examples. Its fuckin Africa hot out there. Its well into the 90's and the humidity is enough to choke the life out of you. Don't get me wrong, I love the outdoors. I would however, like the outdoors better in the Summer if they brought the "outdoors" indoors! The following are things which I think should be universally implemented throughout the Summer months...immediately!

- Dress codes for work should be lifted. Suits, ties, slacks etc. should all be banned and whatever one wishes to wear should be accepted.

- If the temperature outside exceeds 80 degrees, all work, banks, markets and businesses should be closed.

- Air Conditioning in buildings, stores, restaurants, etc. should be set a a maximum of 60 degrees with anything higher being considered unlawful and subject to a fine.

- Those annoying fucking Census people, who are apparently desperate for work, should have to wait in your car while you run errands or are working, with the air conditioning pumping so when you return to your vehicle, its nice and cold.

- Those schmucks who claim their air is broken or not working properly in public places should be incarcerated and subjected to 10 lashings with a cane.

- Those people who are in the business of fixing the above broken air conditioners, should be on call and ready for immediate action. None of this we can be out there in 1-2 days crap. The Red Cross wouldn't say that in a natural disaster like a Tornado or something, this is similar.

- It should be mandatory for people to shower twice daily. Anything less should result in waterboarding for their whole family while they watch.

- Lastly, a fan is NOT an air conditioner. Duh.


These rules should not only be implemented instantly, but should be firmly enforced without any insubordination. Those who refuse to oblige, should be sent to the clink. This sucks.

Designer Pets

Remember when pet ownership was simple? You either had a dog or a cat. Sure there was the occasional parakeet or hamster, but for the most part it was a dog or a cat. Those dogs or cats were simple breeds which were chosen by their owners for their loyalty, disposition, and aesthetic appeal. People had German Shepperd's, Bulldogs, Labs, Rottweilers, etc. Nowadays, this simplicity seems to have disappeared. We are literally genetically altering these pets to fit our lifestyles. You think 25 years ago someone was rockin a Goldendoodle or a Labraschnauzer or whatever? We look down upon human cloning yet we have no problem mixing two different breeds of animals. Now just to set the record straight, I'm not some PETA freak that spray paints fur coats, hell Id wear a Kangaroo hat if it was nice enough. Everyday I seem to hear of people getting dogs, breeds of which never existed but yet seem to today. In the words of the great Lloyd Christmas, mixing a Shi-Tzu with a Bulldog and you get a Bullshit. If people are really on this bandwagon, then why not get something unique? Everyone has a Goldendoodle or a Labradoodle, but what about starting something new? For example, what would a cross between a Chihuahua and a Great Dane be like? Perhaps a Rottweiler and a Yorkie? now these would be cool. I haven't mentioned anything about cats for a reason. Cats suck, plain and simple. All they do is sit on top of TV's and stare at you like they will suck the life out of you if given the chance. When was the last time you saw a cat catching a Frisbee? They bring nothing to the table and frankly, I don't get it. If you need companionship that bad, hire a clown or rent a midget somewhere (you can rent midgets, Ive inquired). At least with these you can actually interact with them. Cats are stupid. If you really want to get creative, how about cross-breeding a cat with a dog? Now you're talkin! I can see it now, "Hey, what kind of dog is that?" "This, oh, this is a Pussydoodle." We would all be so popular in the dog park watching our Cat mixed with a Rottweiler running around and boasting to everyone that you're the only person with a "Rottenpussy." Now if you bring your hamster or parakeet into the mix, you would really standout when your Maltese with wings strutted by. Whatever, waiting for the next craze in designer animals is like waiting to see the next product Apple turns out. What will be next??

WORLD CUP

I wasn't a huge Futbol fan growing up. Actually, I loved Futbol. However, Futbol to me was always played with helmets and a pigskin. That being said, when you think about it, Futbol when referring to Soccer, does make more sense considering you use, well, your foot. I guess in that respect football as we know it should be called Handbol? After all, it is mostly played with the hands. Anyway, I did play soccer as a young pup. It didn't take me long to realize how pointless this game is. Eleven guys running all over a field after one little ball? No matter how silly the idea of Soccer seems to us, it is the most popular sport in the world. Why? Why do S.Americans and Europeans flock to this sport like this the second coming of Christ or something? Can they not play baseball or football? Seriously. When was the last time you heard a Dutchman running for 1500 yards and scoring 10 TD's in some football league? When was the last time Mbombo Bombo from Nigeria was touted for hitting 30 HR's in a season somewhere? It doesn't happen and I'm not sure why. I do know that hundreds of thousands of inebriated, obsessed fans will flock to stadiums all over the world in droves to watch this silliness, which is beyond me. The one good thing about Soccer, which no other sport can claim, is the continuity of the game. Soccer is the only sport where the clock and the action NEVER stop. Kind of nice considering I can grow a full beard between pitches during a baseball game. Can you imagine, if in the NBA, the ball goes out of bounds and you can just pick it up and throw it back inbounds without the refs touching it? Or the ref in an NFL game never blowing the whistle? These games would be like a half hour! Anyway, this refreshing statistic still doesn't take away from the fact that the game makes no sense. Oh, and whats with the shock and exuberance these guys exude when they score a goal? Like is humanly impossible to do and they just pulled off a feat unmatched anywhere else in the world. These freaks run around the field, drop to their knees, and remove their shirts? Really? Whatever. That's like Peyton Manning taking his jersey and pads off after he threw a TD. Chill out dude, theres one guy guarding a 20foot net behind him. Frankly if you cant get it in you should be playing Chess or whatever else those silly foreigners do. I'm gonna go watch the USA stick it to Algeria now. Isn't Algeria a terrorist nation anyway? Probably. Infidels. Lets get em!

Afternoon Boredom

Im fairly certain, there is a time in everyones day where the level of boredom is off the charts. I know for me, the hours of 3pm on, are a constant struggle. Sure, we combat the lethargy with coffees or sodas, but too often these libations cease to prevent the inevitable pile of drool that pools on ones desk. I feel like I can recline my chair, close my eyes, and instantly be out for a good 3-5 hours. Yet, I rarely have this feeling at ngiht when I go to sleep? Now the health nuts out there will say to workout more for energy, or go for a walk to revive ones self, but Id rather gut myself with a rusty spoon than do any of that nonsense. Often we will collaborate with colleagues experiencing similar symptoms and discuss how exhausted we are and how we can wait to go home. I used to work with a guy who would disappear every day for about an hour or two unannounced and unbeknownst to anyone else in the office. Finally, I made a point to follow him one day to see where the hell he goes. As I followed him ninja style, I found that he would go into the office building storeroom and sleep on the floor! This is the outside-the-box thinking that seperates mere mortals from legends. Granted he got fired like a week later, but hey, he was well rested as he packed his things. I hear from people that 5-hour energy works as well, but im almost one hundred percent certain that in 5 years or so they will discover the side effects of this wonder elixir. Sure, youre well rested and energized now pal, but wait a few years until that T-rex arm starts growing out of your back! If I only lived in Spain. Those gatitos know how to do it. Youre tired around 2pm? No problemo amigo. They take off, have a huge homecooked meal and then sleep it off, only to return later with a full stomach, well rested and ready to get to work. Anyway, this post wasted a good 10min of my aftrernoon slumber, not enough, but its something.

SASQUATCH!

Click title of this post to be directed to referenced video.

Well Golllllllllly! This here feller done see him some Bigfoot! Are you fricken kidding me? This redneck calls 911, twice no less, to report there is a "real-life" Bigfoot chillin' in his backyard. Now, its obvious ole Billy Bob here was suckin' on grandpa's old cough medicine. Between that unbearable twang and the pace at whcih he spoke, I'm surprised the 911 operator didn't tell him to put down the moonshine and sleep it off. Seriously though, is there any chance Deliverance over here really saw this thing? He said it was 10' tall. I know if it were me, and I was merely yards from a 10' tall "ape-like" creature covered in hair as he described it, I would have broken the land speed record high-tailing it the fuck outta there. I surely wouldn't have reached for the rotary phone and dialed the po-leece. You gotta love how this hillbilly said, "eeeets ha-ir wuz beeeeutifool." This is how you know Grizzly Adams here was throwin a few back. If you have time to notice the fuckin things hair-do, he had to be shitfaced. Not to mention, this thing came back later on? I don't get it. I find it a little hard to believe that after the all the attempts worldwide to find this legendary creature, with all the hi-tech equipment and sophisticated technology that's been used, this shitshow has one stroll in his backyard...twice! That being said, I guess its possible ole Wilmer here gives off a certain pheromone that attracts this beast. Maybe that's the key to finding one of these...you have to smell like a bum's nutsack? We'll never know. Anyway, all you researchers looking for this thing, look no further. If you wanna spot the creature and interact with it, head down to NC and seek out this mess. He'll make some sweet tea and introduce you to his beautiful hairy friend...

The Haymaker

Click Title of this post to be directed to referenced article/video.


It was a regular afternoon on the tough, hard-pressed, violence-ridden streets of....Seattle? This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Two broads were walking across a main street outside of the designated walkway, aka Jaywalking. Personally, I was never too familiar with exactly how this is against the law. I mean if you want to walk outside of the crosswalk, shouldn't you be able to do so at your own risk? Nope. Its the law, and apparently Commandant Lassard over here was going to make sure he enforces it. In an attempt to apprehend the violator, he was pushed and then clocked the assailant in the mug. Whats the problem? Seriously? I don't care if I'm a cop or a butcher, if someone pushes me, I'm laying a haymaker with the fury of God right to their melon. Not to mention, this officer was in uniform and this broad didn't think twice about shoving him off her nappy little friend. As he was struggling with her, I noticed one thing that struck me as concerning. He never called for backup. Now, I know you don't wanna be the talk of the precinct because you asked for back up to deal with these two hood rats, but in case you haven't noticed pal, the crowd surrounding this hullabaloo is growing in size and they don't seem happy. I'm not getting into a race thing here, but you're a white cop roughing up an African American girl and onlookers are taping every last juicy minute. You may wanna call CHIPS or whomever to give you hand, just an idea dude. By the way, did you see the size of this cop up close in the video? He's nothing short of a small tank, not exactly the guy you wanna shove. His hands were like meat hooks and I'm fairly certain he can bench press a city bus with relative ease. They are some ballsy chicks! You know this guy was definitely pissed there were people watching or else that punch to the mug might have resulted in a piledriver on the sidewalk. You can see it in his eyes. He had enough adrenalin to rip trees from the ground. I would have just paid the $7 fine and moved on, but that's just me. Remember folks, next time you even THINK of walking outside the lines, SWAT maybe topside about to pounce your ass!

RAMBO

Click the title of this post to read the referenced article.


This incident was brought to my attention by GG, a fellow comrade with whom I collaborate on all things terrorism related. As I read this article I couldn't help but think of Rambo slashing his way through dense jungle in an effort to locate the Vietcong. This 52-year old guy has been searching for Osama since 9-11 by himself. Now, this either has to be the bravest, most fearless vigilante in the history of the universe, or simply some schmuck with a friggen screw loose. I'll go with the latter. He was apparently captured near the Pakistan/Afghanistan border on foot heading into the war-torn regions in an effort to find this clown. He was found with wearing 3D-glasses, a cap gun, and a butter knife. The article states it was night vision goggles, a pistol, and a sword - but is there really a difference? I mean we have the most advanced technology and advanced weaponry known to man and we have been unsuccessful in finding this nipplestain. He thinks hes gonna mosey on in to Tora Bora with his "arsenal" and take down the most wanted guy ever? I mean its already like trying to find the black dress sock in your dresser drawer in the dark. Its impossible. Not to mention, how does one even get there in the first place? Did this whack job just hop on Orbitz and book a trip to Kandahar like we do to Florida? Maybe that Orbitz dude in the hovercraft landed in the mountains and handed him a price assurance check for the difference because some other nutbag booked the same trip for less?

If I were the Pakistanis, Id let this cat continue on. I mean why not right? No one else can locate this meat puppet. What good will it do to incarcerate him. He wants to find him, let him try! I just wish I could be there when ole Rambo here draws his sword for an altercation and gets a RPG shell implanted in his chest from 5 miles out. Of course, with his 3D-glasses it would look much bigger...

Secuity Guard Shot At Applebees?

Click the title of this post to be directed to referenced article.

Applebees, an eatery and neighborhood gathering place as they proclaim, has security guards? Really? I know the Mozzarella Chicken has received rave reviews, but is it necessary to have someone there to guard the inventory? So, this guard was on the phone in the parking lot while on duty, and got popped by two patrons he just kicked out of the place. Sounds fair to me. I know if you kicked me out mid-meal, especially while engaging in Mozzarella Chicken, I'd pretty much dominate you. Shooting him may seem a little extreme to you or I, but if you have seen the commercials for this dish, you would understand. The way the cheese melts in the picture is just dreamy. Frankly, I am a little shocked at this guys work ethic. Dude, you're on duty! This requires you to constantly comb the wild and crazy crowd Applebees has there. I mean they have to be the rowdiest and troublesome patrons ever right? Why else would there be a security guard at Applebees? Can you imagine rolling up on one of these restaurants and telling the hostess you're a party of 4, two kids menus, two packs of crayons and a seat near Cliff the security guard for protection. Does this guy see any action...ever? I picture him to be like Tackleberry who constantly wants to be in the malay but never gets the chance. I know times are tough and a job is a job, but if you're going to work security, is there not a mall job, or perhaps somewhere where people can actually steal shit? I'm fairly certain the Crips aren't storming the place for the potato skins guns a blazin'. Maybe I'm all wrong however. Maybe Applebees is the Rolls Royce of the security work. Maybe ole Cliff here has been waiting for this gig for years and when Stan the Security Man retired he moved on up. Granted, I'm not too well versed in the world of security in a place that has meatloaf as its highest priced item, but maybe its the case....

The Magic Mirror

So I was down in Atlantic City this past weekend for my boys bachelor party. We stayed at the Borgata. Lovely little spot. It was your usual bachelor party complete with overeating, over drinking, and random debauchery. Throughout the weekend, as I walked through the hallowed halls of this beautiful edifice, something was so appallingly obvious to me that I decided to dwell on it a bit. Apparently, there is a company out there somewhere that makes magic mirrors and they obviously have a deal with all hotel/casinos to put them in every guest room. Now, to clarify, I am not talking about fun house mirrors, or those stupid little mirrors with a hologram in them. I am talking about an ordinary looking mirror that may grace anyone of our homes. We may not know they're magic mirrors in these hotels, but they are. What makes these ordinary accessories magic you ask? Allow me to broaden your horizons....

I have been to many a casino in my life. Everywhere from Vegas to AC and some spots in between. Apparently this magic mirror company does some fuckin business because they seem to be in every spot I have visited. The magic mirrors are those mirrors that may seem ordinary to you or I, but for most, are the evil, lying, deceitful jokesters that tell these people they look good before they go out. A 5 minute stroll across the casino floor will easily yield a minimum of 200-500 complete messes to the likes no one has ever seen. These people have the audacity to go out into public wearing what they are. I mean, they had to have looked in a mirror at some point before leaving their rooms right? Most hotel room doors have a full length magic mirror right on the back of the door, so as you approach it to leave, you have to see your self in full view right? I was worried about finding a collar stay for my shirt and these people walk out of the room in a wife-beater and jorts (with the finished hem). I understand for most, this is a vacation and they feel they can wear whatever they want, but are those tight jeans the best you have to offer? Do I need to see the veins in your nuts as you walk in my direction because your pants are that tight? Is your Members Only jacket, over your red turtle neck the best you got? The best part about these folks is that they think they look good, hell, they think they look great. Combine these outfits with that "cool" strut they rock and they are on fire! They're probably shocked GQ isn't knocking down their door. You can see it in their faces. The confidence is high, they feel they look their best, they are ready to party and interact with the opposite sex....of course all this while wearing parachute pants, flip-flops, a wife-beater under a white T-shirt that is down to your knees, and a red Yankees hat. Do they even make red Yankees hats? Aren't their colors blue, grey and white? Whatever. The level of confidence exuded by these people make me feel inferior. So much so, I almost felt like going up to the room to change. These cats are feeling good, "looking good" and ready to go, and I'm still stressing about only having one collar stay and my night is ruined until I can locate another one.

The good thing is that should you wish to take a break from all the hustle and bustle, simply have a cocktail, and sit back and people watch, you're all set. Your eyes will have a feast of massive proportions. Almost every gaggle of people passing by has one "special" magic mirrorite among them. All you gotta do is simply sit back and enjoy. I was lucky enough this weekend to see a guy in red pants, a beige paisley button-down shirt and a belt with the buckle gracing the name GEORGE on it. Oh, and deck shoes with green socks, how can I forget. These gems are out there and you must watch closely, but you can find them.

Anyway, on to the next. I'm waiting for the pit boss to text me this morning when the cocktail waitress comes around with my drink that I ordered on Saturday.....

Drivers Ed

The following is brought to you by the unprecedented road rage I have for those who cannot drive. First of all, if you are 60+ you need to turn in your license stat. I don't care if you think you are capable of still driving, turn it in, you cant. If you REALLY think you can, and you are over 60 years of age, then I will hold a tryout for you to be judged by me. You will inevitably fail, so don't bother. The following are those that irritate me the most....

The Schlepper

These are the people that insist on driving 15 mph with their flashers on while on a main road and all because they have a chair in their trunk or a piece of molding tied to their roof. Listen folks...if you're gonna do 15 mph and cause delays, do it at 3am and not at 12pm when most people are out an about. This should be law. If you have to schlep something bulky, it can only be done from 1am-4am. Of course, you can suck up the $25 and get the fricken thing delivered!

The Stallers

These are the douchebags that don't inch up into the intersection while waiting to turn, but rather stay at the light and then go once its clear. This causes those behind you, who normally would have been able to go as well, sit for another cycle of the traffic light. This is inconsiderate. This makes me want to crack your teeth in with a ball-peen hammer. Move the hell up and let other people go. What are you scared? Then take the fricken bus!

The Late Decision Makers

These assclowns are the folks that you'll be driving behind and at the last minute decide to put their turn signal on and cause you to jam on your brakes because you weren't given enough notice. Know where you're going ahead of time please. If you're lost, then go home or get the fuck out the way, I'm not interested.

The Sloths

These dipshits are the folks that take an eternity to pull of a simple move while driving. If you're signaling to change lanes, then CHANGE LANES! Don't signal, look around and the proceed to move into the next lane at 5 mph while hitting your BRAKES! Nothing frustrates me more. I feel like playing bumper cars and giving them the nudge they need to get the heck out of the way. This also applies to those turning into driveways. TURN THE WHEEL!

The Left Lane Losers

These stubborn pricks are the ones who set up camp in the left lane on the highway and lock their cruise control to what seems like 50mph. This lane is a passing lane, not one for a leisurely stroll. When someone comes up on you, move out of the way and let them pass. If you're the person that says I'm gonna spite them and stay put because he/she shouldn't be going so fast, I will maul you if I see you in public. If you're not doing at least 90mph, take the local roads.

The Parking Putz

These fruitcakes are the ones that take up two spots or don't properly align their car with the LINES in the lot. Is this too hard? There are two big, bold, white lines for a reason! Get between them! Not on them, not slightly over them, but between them! If you're near a curb, there is no reason to be 3 feet from the curb or half on the curb. My next car is going to be a tow truck and I am going to start arbitrarily towing peeps who cant park properly. I will leave your car in a random lot around town and then send you clues each day for you to try and find it.

So this basically sums up my daily frustrations. If you are one of the schmucks above, please correct your inability to adhere to the rules of the road immediately or suffer my wrath next time I'm in your neighborhood. Still think you can drive? As I said earlier....you cant.

18-hour hell

Played basketball last night, much like I do every week. My knees arent what they used to be when I was 20, but I am still able to play with a reasonable amount of skill. Of course if I dropped a few more lbs. to alleviate extra weight on them, they might last longer, but hey, I love to eat and thats something I will do forever. Once the knees give way, I will then and only then, entertain the idea of golf, bridge, and a walker. Unfortunately for me, those days are closer than they are further at this stage of the game. So while playing last night, I rolled my ankle on an opponents foot and went to the ground (no assholes, the Richter Scale was not affected). As I heard a slight snap, I realized there was a problem. I hobbled to my car in excruciating pain, all while walking like a newborn Giraffe. Between the ice, and the crawling upstairs, it was not a good night. Then as I got in bed, my ankle began to develop its own heartbeat....

I awake this morning, put pressure on it slightly and saw stars. As blood flow returned, it subsided and I was able to walk, albeit like Cropsy dragging the said foot. This is where it gets good...or bad if your my wife. The kids come in our room to greet us much like every morning. But wait, something seems awry? As we continued getting ready, my wife screeches, "WHAT DID YOU DO???!!!" Never a good thing to hear as you can imagine. Well, my son took his childproof scissors out for a project. Only problem, it was a project he had never embarked on before. He had cut his hair and his sisters hair completely off. Yes, he did. My daughter had beautiful brown locks which now look like a bunch of angry, drunk, Mexican landscapers took out the fury of God on. Completely off. As for him, his bangs, normally eyebrow length, are now barely an inch from his scalp. He looks like Ringo Starr might as a young boy and she is a cross between Sinead O'Conner and Pink. Parenthood rocks and I need a friggen x-ray!

The Line

I just returned from my son's Kindergarten graduation. I swelled up at some points throughout the ceremony. I am a pussy. Anyway, all the families of the graduates were in attendance. As I panned the room to see who looks good and who looks like they got hit in the face with a bag of nickels, I noticed something in almost every corner of the room that struck me as alarming in this day and age. The Line. What is the line? The line is that thick band that hugs the back of a woman's thigh indicating she is a wearer of bloomers rather than a thong. This may have flown back in the 30s and 40s folks, but in 2010? Now, you're probably thinking, "ewww, he was looking at all these women's butts!" The answer to that question is emphatically NO! (not all of them). The fact that we are on the brink of Summer, women naturally wear more revealing clothing and in some cases appallingly so. The common man can notice The Line at incredible distances, kinda like a lion seeking out the weakest Gazelle from across the savannah if you will. We sit, we watch, and we evaluate. After all, The Line does speak volumes about a woman. To me, it simply means a few major things. One, she is sexually reserved. Two, she doesn't feel sexy nor considers herself to be so. And lastly, she either has the menstrual cycle of an elephant in heat or she hasn't groomed her nether regions since the last Haley's Comet flyby in '87. Bottom line, there is no reason for any women to envelope herself in these tarp-like kitty covers. I don't care about your comfort, its not about you...its about me and us lions in the brush.....

Oh the places I will see...

...or maybe not. I was thinking.... Maybe the start of this blog is just the beginning? Maybe this blog ends up getting read by millions? Doubtful. However, that being said, it only takes one person with halfway decent credentials to say, "Hey, this dudes gotta point?" Only time will tell. Will I be asking Lindsay Lohan in 20 years what its like to have served those 20 behind bars for crack, on my own talk show? Naah. So what is it that drives me to entertain this very idea you ask? Its the everyday things we all go through and experience that no one ever talks about. Like when your in he stall in a public restroom doing your thing and you are happy you have the bathroom all to yourself, then, someone enters and we do the fake cough / throat clearing to make our presence known. This isn't everyday conversation, but its something that should be in my opinion. Its these idiosyncrasies for which I wish to unveil. So, remember, if its happened to you or you do it and think no one else does...you're wrong. So, going back to my evening now. Go back to yours.

No I'm serious, go.

Inaugural Post

So, after many suggestions and requests, I have finally decided to create a blog. I will use it to vent my frustrations, pleasures, humor, current events and anything else I deem "blog worthy." I hope I am able to make each day better for the readers, even if it is just a moment of comic relief or insight throughout the course of hectic day. I will not post all day long, but rather sporadically. This is not going to be a Twitter or Facebook style blog. For example, I will not be telling you I just popped a pimple on my ass or that I'm going to be here or there. It will be more of my perspective on things that pop into my mind. For those who know me, that can be anything at almost any time. If your anything like me, and I know I am, this should be fun. Please keep in mind, I hold a job. My job pays me. This does not.